Kiki's Temptation Island gibberish

Wokeeee. Where to start? That you watch an episode for three quarters of an hour and then think: what actually happened here? The shit is up to foo realll. Chan & Quen have left the building, the group goes into stress mode, Yasmin goes on a rancour, twerks a pole, the fireworks explode and meanwhile two new pudding dicks stumble into the villa. Sorry, but did anyone expect this from this episode?

Hahaaaa, and here we were thinking that the VIP version would be ‘a weak infusion of’. Well, this infusion is ten times harder than the previous season ever was, I can tell you. WHAT. ONE. DRAMA. LOBI. HEART. EVERYTHING. Time to babble.

1. Imagine.
That you are going to Thailand.

For a chute experiment.

While pregnant.

And that everything then goes wrong.

And you want to leave halfway through.

And you see yourself on TV later.

With among your ‘final conversation’

classical music edited.

Such a nervous pansy.

Classic.

2. Difference Venus and Mars.
Mitch: ‘I really do grant them all the love in the world together.’

Laetitita: ‘ALL, WHERE IS MY PLASTIC BREADTASJE? I'M LEAVING THAT TYPHOID ISLAND NOW.’

3. Difference toparticulation and speech impediment.

Thomas: ‘We all felt completely screwed in the ass.’

Fabri: ‘Etwaahalsoofernaanslagwahhsgepleeg. Thiskenkwenie usedeeh.’

4. Yolanthe: ‘If we, from Temptation Island, had known you were in this situation, we wouldn't have let you participate. Butrr - and here it comes, hold on tight - we do have a new couple in reserve, in case someone halfway through turns out to be pregnant!’ *wink wink.

5. So hold on. Channah told Stuwey at the beginning that she was pregnant. On an island full of cameras switched on day and night. From which clips are selected to make TV. Then the programme makers already knew she was pregnant too, right? HA YOLANTHE. YO MAMA.

6. Montage. Be. Like. It's a ten-minute flight from Schiphoeloe to Thailand, welcooooooome Liessinde and Orpheo! Wait a minute, who? Why the two fall under the ‘Very Important Person’ category of the programme is still a mystery to me. I could say something about his wan glasses and her insane buttock. Could be. #DikkeAkkaVeelGrip

7. Orpheo: ‘Look, for me it's very simple: I don't want to be guided by my emotions. I do just want to stay real. That when I look back at the mistake, that I can reflect my own reaction. That's the way I can best deal with it.’ DUDE, WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SAYING?

8.  Best tweet of the week: ‘The campfire was also an assault on Pommeline's emotions. AN UNDERCOOKED EGG IS ANOTHER ASSAULT ON POMMELINE'S EMOTIONS.’

9. Orpheo sixteen minutes after arriving at the villa: ‘When I see beautiful women, I can imagine that I could visualise myself talking very cryptically complicated visualisations and long sentences and possibly ending up in bed with one of those beautiful women.’

10. Orpheo twenty-one minutes after he arrived at the villa. ‘I'm just being honest with you. A man just prefers to eat from both sides.’ THIS. MAN. MY. GOD. Suddenly I feel a lot of questions surrounding this season coming up.

11. - Why does everyone think it is only normal these days for Hugh Hefner to come out of his room the next morning wearing a velvet aubergine-coloured bathrobe including sunglasses?

• And since when are palm tree earrings so the shit and seriously, where do we buy them?
• When is someone going to tell PomPom that you either have seriously round tittas or a cowbell in the nose or call kisses ‘maws’ but not all three?
• And what happened to Damian's voice and why does he suddenly sound like the girl from The Exorcist is eating him from the inside out?
• Do people seriously do another pinky swear?
• When would Kaj himself get to the point where he realises he's madly pronouncing Orpheo? Is it Orfie-o or Orpheo?
• Did Thomas really think it was smart to say, ‘Just squirt that whipped cream somewhere and I'll lick it’?
• Does Liessinde really think we will settle for this worst body shot ever?

12. ‘Thomas, this flare is for you!’ Oooooooooomg, is this really happening? Yas, so now I am in doubt. My left brain is thinking: YESSS YOU GO GALLL GO GET THAT SON OF A LOEMPIA and the right half is thinking: hmmm. Are we now at the point where we start serving each other like ‘nice puh’ flares at Temptation Island? Deliberately start hurting each other to teach the other a lesson? Or did we always do that on this programme in the first place? Is this what love anno 2019 is all about? I mean a game of truth or dare and pushing some boundaries à la, but surely this is deliberately wrecking your relationship or am I being fat old-fashioned? Hey damn, is this the very first time I've felt too romantic for the flat Tempah? WHAT HAPPENED WITH ME!

You get the picture: next week, all hell will break loose, over there in Thailand. Keep an eye on my Insta at @kikiduren for more derision and misery.

P.S..: Heart at the bottom if you agree with me that Shirley is actually the big winner of this season so far. So in control. ‘I'm angry’ with a straight face, but laughing again the next day: ‘No ya, that was nothing.’ Top bitch. Gotta love Shirley.