14 things I would do immediately if I were a man for one day
Because your 2019 was probably just as busy as ours and you might have missed that one nice article: this is one of our top scorers of this year. To enjoy reading it again with hot chocolate and cookies or with truffle chips and wine.
When we go on vacation for three weeks, he carelessly throws a couple of T-shirts into a suitcase. “Eh, is that all you’re taking?!”, I ask. “Look, we’re going to 30 degrees. I hardly wear it anyway.” Here speaks a typical man. I don’t understand a thing about them, but sometimes I’m really jealous. Especially because of ‘the easy part’, time and again. Don’t all women ever think: what would I do if I were a man for a day? Exactly. I wrote it down.
1. Okay. Where to start? So I wake up and I’m a, uh, man. Then I’m going to sleep in, and then five minutes before I have to leave, I quickly brush my teeth. I put on some basic clothes, gel my hair (even though I have no idea how to style it probably) and off I go, I’m ready for the day. Easy peasy.
2. Oh no, wait. I don’t want to be the dirty man. Okay, let’s try again. I’m going to the office in a three-piece suit, completely handsome, shaved and showered, with the powerful scent of Bleu de Chanel Eau de Parfum on my neck. On the way, I help a woman with a stroller onto the bus. Then I give her my number.
3. Okay. What am I going to do as a man? The first thing, and I mean the very first thing, is already illegal. Ha! I would look for the nearest tree, pull my snorkel out of my pants, and have a dirty little pee. The rest of the day, I pee outside. THE FREEDOM.
4. When you get home, you’re going to sit down and really enjoy it, right? You perform all possible penis games you can think of, with the hysterical highlight being the helicopter. Just because you can.
5. Yeah, come on, and then of course you also want to know how it feels when the fireworks go off in church. Sex in a manly way. Pulling, yanking, DIY, tugging, chopping, fapping, schwoengen, bear-hugging, toking, walking the dog; however you want to call it. Oh, and that blowjob of course. We’re also super curious about that. Followed by a little bit of roughhousing.
6. Walking topless. The freedom. Just assume it’s a blazing hot day, of course. Do you know how freaking annoying it is as a woman to always swim with a bikini top?
7. Of course, there’s also immediately barbecuing with a bare upper body. And oh well, the neighbor gets greeted topless too. Then I drum on my chest like a gorilla and roar in the garden. After that, I eat a hamburger.
8. Then I call my male friend for a man talk. “Hey man, how’s it going?” “Yeah, with you, man?” “Good too, dude, chill, chill.”, and then we don’t talk about clothes, gossip, but only state facts. We talk for a maximum of three minutes. Boring.
9. Then I call five more friends and invite them to chill, game, fart, and burp in our man cave for the rest of the day. We play a beer game and friend Thom is briefly unconscious, after which we laugh really hard.
10. Oh shit, now I’m that dirty man again. Too late. Vodka made me do this.
11. Then I’m drunk, dare to do anything, we go out and I hit on chicks with seriously bad pickup lines. Then I drink a bit too many Bacardi’s and I end up having a grand fight with that annoying guy. Of course, my squad wins the fight, you get that.
12. That needs to be celebrated at the shawarma place. With garlic breath, I try to hit on chicks again, after which I get a flat hand in my face. Okay, Jesus chick, take it easy. And don’t wear so much ridiculous makeup, man. Ugly.
13. Stumbling home, this firefly enjoys her last moments as a man. There’s standing peeing in an alley again. Maybe with a spinning helicopter move, I don’t care, I won’t have these clothes and penis tomorrow anyway.
14. Once back home, I have warm feet in bed (duh) and I watch The Lion King three times in a row to find out that I must NOT cry at Mufasa’s death. And I can almost cry about that.
Can I please be a woman again tomorrow?
