“Not pregnant”

Tess Hoens' life is great, but even with her, there are things that don't quite go the way she wished they would. And that's what she wants to write about. Because there's already enough of appearances and because honesty helps.

‘But then you have to take it out again in a few months’ time.‘ Never before had he been so concrete. Sure, from the beginning I was sure he wanted children one day, more than one, he left no doubt about that to me as a ’happy only child'. But now, now I wanted to stop taking the pill and he did not want me to have an IUD as replacement contraception.

It was an ‘OK, let's go for it’, but in his language. Perhaps I had imagined such a moment, such a decision, a little more romantic as a child. More along the lines of taking both my hands in his and staring into my eyes saying that he loves me and wants a child from me. We would seal the decision with a passionate kiss. Yet this felt perfect.

I stopped taking the pill, rotten hormones that they are, and nothing came in its place. Soon I would get pregnant and we would be hopping down the street happily surprised in search of all the necessities for a little one on the way. Virtually without any knowledge about ovulation, menstrual cycles and tricks to boost fertility, for the first period we just had sex whenever we wanted without giving it much thought. The first period came quickly. In the period after this, I started feeling weird. Tired, bloated, nauseous and this time the period stayed off. You understand: I was pregnant. Couldn't be otherwise.

My mother, whom I had not yet told that we were engaged because I was afraid she would find it reckless, had once ‘warned’ me how quickly she and her mother (i.e. my grandmother) got pregnant. And well, I was indeed no exception to that now as the third generation of these fertile ladies. As a small child I always fantasised about becoming a mother, my greatest wish... And how could it be otherwise than that someone with such primal desires is very fertile? With a client, I discussed my symptoms again and she agreed: it was a hit. Delighted, I sent to my friend that he should get a test.

Once home, I couldn't wait for the next morning(urine) and peed right over it. He had bought one of those digital Clearblue things and man, those bitches take a long time to show the result. Together on the couch, we stared groggily at the tiny screen.

Not pregnant.

A deep disappointment, the first of many.

Written by : Tess Hoens