Kiki's Temptation Island gibberish

Temptation 2019: EN. WE. ARE. FREE. Are you ready for a recap of the most delicious, wrong TV ever? Nice, darling. We had to wait a bit, but it’s going to be vulgar to the power of two this season. In exotic Thailand, four couples are separated from their partners for fifteen days. The big question remains: who will resist the naked breasts and eggplants flying around, and which relationship will wash up on the, uh, Thai beach? 10 things we need to talk about after episodes 1 & 2.

1. Rick: ‘Dear people and look here: here are the seductresses of 2019!’
Group: …
Annelien: ‘Yeah sorry, those plane tickets hit hard. We had to cut back somewhere.’

2. Okay, no kidding for a moment. The introduction round. Basically came down to this:

Rodanya & Morgan

The fire-and-fire couple. Both big mouths, small hearts. Together for three years. He has cheated twice before. I fear she will stab him if he does it again. Crazy chick.

Demi & Sidney

A.k.a. the clown couple. She prefers he doesn’t breathe in his sleep. Already fun. A kind of caricature of a relationship in itself. I secretly hope this stays the same.

Milou & Heikki

Ah, cute. They know each other from a motocross race. She is intensely jealous and checks his phone for everything. Johnny Bravo is also jealous. Of his quiff.

Roger & Laura

On social media, there is much speculation: will this be the first year a man cheats with a man? You know, Roger, you have my blessing. Oops, did I just say that?

Niels & Rosanna

Hahaha. Sorry. Just kidding. Bye.

3. Oh yes, we haven't been on the beach for two seconds or the first Fifty Shades of Grey practices are already being pulled out of the closet. The women get to blindfold the men while the testosterone bombs come stumbling in. Oh, how AWFUL it is to stand there. What a mindfuck. How the men respond: ‘Oh just fine.’ Yeah right.

4.  When the men are allowed to peek at the female seductresses, the first quote of the evening is dropped. ‘They're not ugly, huh? They're not chosen because they can do math well, huh?’

5. Thank god, the All You Need Is Love fairytale where the couples get one last night together is brutally torn apart. Nope, no boom boom things. We. Want. Drama.

6. Can someone please give Silence of the Lambs ice bunny Laura a big hug? With a zucchini? NOW? I feel like she needs it. My god.

7. If Lil Kleine and Dave Roelvink ever created offspring in a really wrong mood, I think Jaimy the bartender would pop out with a bottle of Grey Goose, with his Spain bullshit story. What a dude.

8. Hahaha. Scaffold builder Ricardo is not doing so well during the speed date with the ladies. The Italian with his Beauty and the Beast story, on the other hand…

9. PEOPLE USE SUNSCREEN. DAMN. Oh, and what happened to Rick's shirt? Damn. Rick Sweatbrand.

10. In the category of the best tweets so far, I present to you my personal top ten…
1. ‘Heikki. That sounds like an IKEA cabinet. Cheap and probably won't last long.’
2. ‘I really wonder what Timone would be called if he were a girl…’
3. Wait a minute, I wake up in the morning and then I smell her pee from the night, what the fuck?’

4. ‘There's a girl in #TemptationIsland who mixes English with Dutch all the time.

I am here to break your relationship girl, those men are all going down anyway.”
5. ‘I hope Roger cheats because I already hate Laura.’
6. ‘The men enter the villa and are completely flabbergasted by all the beauty they see. IS THIS ARTIFICIAL GRASS?!’
7. ‘Wtf is this? Flatscreen as sunglasses?’
8. ‘Everyone I talk to is so excited about the new season of Temptation Island, I thought I was dealing with intelligent HBO students, I am so disappointed in this generation… JUST KIDDING LET'S GO CRINGE TONIGHT HUTS’

9. ‘Blunt comment of the week: There is something good in every woman. You just have to put it in yourself.’
10. ‘My ultimate dream date is a redhead with a solid poop. Da. Actual. Fak.’

11. If the IQ of the IKEA cabinet is tested immediately..
Rick: ‘How do the candies taste?’
Heikki: ‘Not edible!’
Sidney: ‘We're talking about the women…’
Heikkie: ‘Oh. I don't know. Haven't tasted it.’
12. In my worst nightmare, girls like Lizzy climb my stairs at night with wet red hair. ’I'm going to tear it apart…‘ THE HORROR.

13. Diss of the day: ‘You are the AliExpress version.’ OOOOH YO MAMA.

Oh guys, I can already tell you: the couples of this season do not disappoint me at all. Left or right: this is going to be a mess. (Hears Martijn Krabbé in ear: ‘Are we ready to ruuuuuuumbleeeeee.’) Oh yessss we are.

P.S.: We could expect this of course: smooth talker Jaimy claims to have had more than 100 women. Check. It. Here. 

P.P.S.: Okay okay, wait, is Milou seriously cheating next week already? Speaking of peaking too early, all you people, she’s just pulling a Meghan-and-Joshua move.

Heart at the bottom if you’re already feeling good about it. Until next week, tiger.