That one echo to see what is happening

The life of Tess Hoens is amazing, but even she has things that don't quite go as she had hoped. And she wants to write about that. Because there is already enough of a facade and because honesty helps. Tess has a desire for children, but getting pregnant is still not working. This week: and then I was pregnant.

My left foot taps an indefinite rhythm against the floor, my fingers join in. I engage in non-rhythmic tapping with the ends of my limbs when I am nervous or impatient. Right now, both apply. We are sitting in the spacious hallway at the beginning of the hospital that serves as a waiting area. I haven't slept a wink last night. The question of whether I am really pregnant or if there has already been a miscarriage played through my mind, without pause. We have an ultrasound soon to see what is happening in my uterus.

‘Mrs. Hoens,’ echoes through the hallway. It is not our doctor but the sweet, blonde nurse specialist of middle age. My boyfriend places his hand on my lower back as we walk with her to a room. As I lie with my legs wide in the chair, the now all too familiar white dildo on a cord is inserted again and what probably lasts no more than five seconds seems to last forever. I look at the screen and try to make my own diagnosis. Then a soft smile appears on her face. She turns her gaze to us and says: ‘It’s still very early, but you are pregnant! Congratulations, guys.’ My boyfriend squeezes my shoulder and asks the sweet specialist some more, probably technical, questions but I am no longer listening. I am pregnant. Wow, what a powerful feeling! We are having a baby together and I get to carry it. Intensely happy, we walk outside. I immediately call my parents because I can't wait for a moment when I could tell them in person. Then we drive to my mother-in-law because she lives around the corner from the hospital. We tell her while we still have our coats on. She lets out a small squeal and hugs us both at once. Her eyes become moist and I have never felt so connected to her. I am having a baby and that baby is her grandchild.

My boyfriend gets excited and suggests we also stop by his father. And later today he will call his sister to share the wonderful news. That’s where it ends, he thinks. He doesn’t want to tell anyone else yet. But I am going to lunch with my best and oldest friend soon and I know it will be quite difficult for me to keep my mouth shut around her. I try to convince him by saying that, because I am an only child, I get to tell fewer people than he does, but he doesn’t fall for it and stands his ground.

From now on, I have to keep my mouth shut around everyone.

Written by: Tess Hoens