I spent a minute and a half in a bath with ice cubes and this is how it felt

So there I am outside in the drizzle, Wednesday evening half past 9. About twenty others around me. One is laughing, the other is looking focused. I am not laughing and not looking focused because all I feel is a kind of half panic attack coming on. I am the only one sputtering out loud. Talking myself down. ‘Yeah, but I can't do this. I can't handle this. I'm going to breathe wrong. If it's too cold, I'm getting out right away. I hate cold. How can you all be so calm?!’

That bath with ice cubes isn't even my biggest enemy. I am. My mindset sucks and I know it. The nerves are racing through my body. Damn. Why do I always end up in these kinds of weird situations? What am I actually looking for? For whom am I actually doing this? It's the negative spiral trying to pull me down. On the other hand, the curious child in me is still there. She doesn't want to be scared at all. She wants to play outside. To be curious. To gain experiences and explore boundaries.

Yes, I am here at Ignition, a half festival/half seminar event in Paradiso Amsterdam. I came here to voice my dreams for 2020. I came here to overcome my fears. With a bikini under my outfit because that was asked of me. I wanted to confront myself with this to learn from it. There's no time for wimps right now. Letting yourself be led by fear is stupid.

‘Kiki, you can do this. And if you really find it too cold, you can just get out. I'm already proud that you're even here. You are so much stronger than you think,’ says my neighbor on the right. I trust him. I think. I hope. I want to. I hope I can do this. FUCK. They are counting down. Now it has to happen. Breathing is everything. Focus on your breath. Deep long inhales from your lower belly. We step into the bath as a whole group and I immediately feel my body starting to fight and shake. Holy crap, this is heavy.

For the first ten seconds, I don't know what to think or feel. After twenty seconds, I do know. Pins and needles. Pain. I want to jump out of this bath right now. Okay, how are we going to survive this next minute together? I see some sitting completely zen in that bath, others sputtering a bit, just like me. Okay, eyes closed Kiek. Just breathe calmly and don't let yourself be distracted. Be ‘okay’ with not being ‘okay’ for a moment. This is temporary.

When I stood in front of the bath, the questions kept flying through my head. Am I not going to get hypothermia? Can my body handle this? What if I panic? But then once in the bath, there is no time for this kind of psychological talk-yourself-down nonsense. In the bath, breathing is your best friend. Once you have that under control, you'll notice that you're not acting as ridiculous as you expected beforehand. It's a tactic that really works: surrender to the fear and the fear fades away.

So I do it. I try it. I focus on myself, close my eyes, see absolutely no one and nothing around me and am here alone in my cold Frozen-Elsa-ice-cube-dream. And then they start counting down. Twenty seconds left. Holy fuck, so I've already been in for a minute and ten seconds. The uncomfortable feeling is still there, but I am in control. Ten seconds left...

Holy fuck, I can do this...

3… 2… 1…

Done.

Really done?

Yes, everyone is getting out.

I can hardly feel my legs for a moment, but it all pales in comparison to the huge dopamine shot that has exploded like fireworks in my head. I did it. That scared girl who screamed the loudest that she couldn't do this has just sat in this ice bath for a minute and a half like everyone else here. Wtf. The weird thing about taking an ice bath? You think you can't do it. And of course, you can. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. From a young age, you are taught to avoid things that are not pleasant. That's not a problem, of course, but it doesn't make you very resilient either. This is an exercise that revolves around testing your mind and body. Stepping out of your comfort zone. Discovering that you are much stronger than you think. I did not let myself be led by my fears.

I still can't really believe it a day later.

I did this.

I am proud of myself.

I am strong.