Real life: ‘I had an abortion, but my boyfriend knows nothing’

Michelle (23) has been together with Sander (28) for a year. The relationship is nice, but Sander is a bit more eager to move in together and try to have children. Michelle is not ready for that, in fact: Sander knows nothing about her abortion.

‘Love at first sight, it sounds so cliché, but that was a bit the case with Sander and me. Or at least lust at first sight, because that attraction was undeniable. I saw him on a Friday night in the city, when I was still having a drink with friends after a wild Friday afternoon drink. He had had a similar kind of day, so our meeting wasn't really sober. But that click, it was there immediately.

That first meeting was also immediately the night of our first kiss, and the week after we went on a date. Saturday afternoon a drink on the terrace, which turned into a dinner, and finally together into the pub and rolling out again. From then on it was actually immediately serious, although we took another month or two to make it really official. I was head over heels in love and we always had so much fun. Sander is in every way the ideal man for me: I can imagine at this moment that I will stay with him for the rest of my life.

But that's just it. I can imagine it at this moment, but we've only been together for a year. Doing things too hastily, like moving in together now, is not for me. I prefer to be realistic and calm. Not Sander; he would have preferred to move in with me the day we made it official. After a month, he started talking about children... That didn't scare me off, but I knew: I don't want that for a long-long-long time. I do have a desire for children, but I really want to start that only when I'm in my late 20s — and if it's granted to me, of course.

Sander is disappointed about that. It's the only thing we argue about: that we don't live together yet and that I don't want children yet. I'm on the pill and he would prefer that I stop taking it now, because it can take a long time for all those hormones to leave my body. That an accident is just around the corner and that the pill can fail, I unfortunately know all about that now. Only Sander doesn't know that.

Four months ago, I had stomach problems for a week. I had no idea that my pill might be less effective, so of course I jumped into bed with Sander. Six weeks later, I still hadn't gotten my period and maybe felt a bit nauseous too. I took a pregnancy test out of the drawer and with clammy hands, I locked myself in the bathroom. It couldn't be, could it? But the result said enough. I lay crying in bed for days, I told Sander that I was sick. I made the decision immediately, no matter how much I hated it: I'm getting rid of this. I don't want it now.

I went to the clinic alone because I couldn't tell Sander. I still sometimes fantasize about having that conversation with him and I never see it ending positively. I know how much he wanted to start having children, and I have taken that away from him. Of course, it can always still happen, I hope... But I don't think he will ever forgive me for this. I see a future with him, but I know that I will always have to carry this secret with me. I hope that doesn't break me, because I really don't want to lose Sander.

Sometimes I feel so selfish that I didn't involve him in my decision. But it feels like this: it's my body, so my decision. And I still stand by that. It's just too early. I wish Sander thought the same...’

In this unusual time, we asked people for their honest story. To avoid hurting others, the names of Michelle and Sander have been changed.