Real life: ‘I outed my best friend’

Sarina (25) and her best friend Merle (25) have known each other since middle school and have been inseparable ever since. They shared all their secrets, including that Merle is attracted to women. She is not ready to come out yet, but Sarina accidentally let her secret slip, not on purpose.

‘When Merle told me she liked girls, it really wasn't a surprise to me. We had known each other for seven years by then, since the first year of high school. I had definitely noticed that she wasn't as interested in boys as I was and that she didn't often kiss anyone. We went to all the hockey parties together — we were also on the same hockey team — and while I was always flirting with boys, she was making the dance floor unsafe.

At first, I thought she just wasn't thinking about it much and that it would come later. But when we both passed our VWO and moved in together in Amsterdam, after almost a year, the big news came out. By that time, I had already thought about it a bit myself. Did I find it bad or strange? Not for a moment. I was actually happy for her that she finally felt she could come out and feel comfortable about it.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Her parents didn't know anything. Merle has never had a good relationship with her parents, so that didn't surprise me too much. They were always absurdly strict when she was younger, and that wasn't exactly beneficial for their relationship. Merle asked if I could keep her secret, and of course, I wanted to. Not a hair on my head thought otherwise.

We still went on many vacations together, we even backpacked through Southeast Asia for four months. I had a boy as a fling there, and she had a girl. She always made sure it wasn't a Dutch girl, because she found that too dangerous. I was still the only friend who knew, and I was just really happy that she could explore everything and be completely anonymous. In Amsterdam, it's different; you often run into acquaintances or it somehow gets back to someone.

I have witnessed that myself now. Six months ago, Merle met a girl. For the first time, a Dutch girl, and she lived in Amsterdam too. She said it was terrifying. She met her by chance, just in a bar somewhere; they didn't initially know that they both liked women. After a month, there was that first kiss, and since then, she has been head over heels in love. And yet also terrified of what her surroundings will think. She has kept this to herself for so long that she finds coming out very difficult.

I met her new girlfriend once, and I thought she was really nice, which made Merle very happy. It was a fleeting encounter; the three of us had two drinks, and then they had to go. When I was in the city with friends two months later, I thought I saw her. I might not have been completely sober anymore, but I was very sure of myself and thought I would say a friendly hello.

It wasn't Merle's girlfriend, and I was so stupid to be surprised: ‘Huh? Aren't you Merle's new girlfriend?’ Backtracking wasn't an option because this girl knew Merle. She was the girlfriend of a colleague of Merle's. The colleague that Merle had introduced because he was good friends with Merle's parents — and he was standing right there.

I didn't know what to do and just walked away. I didn't dare to tell Merle what had happened, hoping it would blow over. But two weeks ago, Merle called me furiously: the colleague had told her parents the strange story, and they confronted Merle about it. She didn't want to lie anymore. She feels betrayed by me, is incredibly angry, and never wants to see or speak to me again. I understand her very well and just don't know how to make this right. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I also understand that she will never forgive me for this.’

In this unusual time, we asked people for their honest story. To avoid hurting others, the names of Sarina and Merle have been changed.