Real life: ‘I secretly use Tinder without my partner knowing’

Eliza (25) has been in a relationship with Kevin (25) for almost two years. He is her first serious relationship; before that, she had flings but nothing went further. Although she is truly in love with Kevin and loves him, there is still something she keeps secret from him.

‘I was really the typical party girl in my group of friends. Even in high school. Sneaking out of the house to go to parties, secretly drinking and smoking… That was all very familiar to me. And when I entered student life, the floodgates were completely open. I went to high school in Amstelveen, so it was natural for me to study in Amsterdam. Fortunately, that was the case for almost all my friends, and so we became a well-liked group in Amsterdam's nightlife.

And besides partying and drinking, there were also boys involved. For a period, I had quite a few one-night stands, and there were times when I really didn't remember his name the next morning. Not classy, but I was still young and having a great time. I couldn't really worry about that.

Until I turned 23 and met Kevin, during — how else could it be — a night out. We kissed in a rundown bar on the night we met, and I actually thought I would never see him again. By sheer coincidence, I ran into him again a month later in that bar, when we were both a bit less drunk than the first time. We said goodbye to each other, and from then on, we talked the whole evening without anyone else. It was so much fun, and we had such a great connection.

At the end of that evening, we kissed again, and he asked for my number, which I of course gave. The following week, the first date was scheduled. My friends couldn't believe their ears; I was never the girl who went on dates with someone. I kissed while going out, sometimes went to bed with boys, but soberly meeting up with a guy? No way. I was also incredibly nervous for our first date and thought I would mess it up anyway.

But that didn't happen. The opposite was true: we chatted the whole evening. We were actually just supposed to have a drink at the end of the afternoon, but those drinks turned into more, that drink turned into dinner, and even after that, we went to another bar.

I had never really been in love until I met Kevin. I wasn't looking for a relationship at all, but it happened anyway. And I really wanted that. Or rather… I knew I didn't want to lose Kevin, and he made it very clear that he didn't want to continue unless it became a relationship. So I gave in. And I have never regretted that for a moment, although it has really taken some getting used to.

I only notice in the last six months that I have so much unrest inside me. Not that I need another guy, not at all, but I do miss the attention. The casualness, the carefree feeling of going out. Sometimes the idea of this relationship can feel so suffocating, even though I really am crazy about Kevin.

Half a year ago, I created a new account on Tinder with a fake account on Facebook. ‘Just for fun,’ I told myself. Of course, I didn't use my own photos, but those of another girl I found on the internet who lives in America. So I’m actually a real catfish, and I feel really ashamed of it. But honestly: it feels so good. I know that the attention isn't really for me, or for who they think they have, but I get so much positive energy from it.

Actually cheating wouldn't even cross my mind, although I know that this obviously can't be justified. I would find it terrible if I found out that Kevin would do this to me. But on the other hand, I also think: we had a bit of a dip for half a year, and that's now over because I can express myself here. Talking to other guys turns out to be very good for my relationship, and I just have to deal with my guilt.’

In this unusual time, we asked people for their honest story. To avoid hurting others, the names of Elisa and Kevin have been changed.