Real life: ‘My boyfriend wants an open relationship and I don't know what to do’

Marcella (26) has been in a relationship with Chris (30) for four years now. If it were up to her, they would already be living together, but Chris claims he is not ready for that. In fact, he has suggested to approach their relationship a bit differently.

‘I often joke that Chris is such a free spirit, a bit of a hippie. I always tell him that he is my ‘sweet little dreamer’. I myself am very down-to-earth, but I really appreciate that he is not. In my opinion, that created a good balance between us: I kept him grounded and he made sure that I could let go of things from time to time.

When I met him, he was a bartender and studying philosophy. I found that funny; I didn’t know anyone who was studying that and was very interested in what he was learning there. That opened our first conversation and there was a click very quickly. I had just turned 22 and had finished my bachelor’s in business sciences — something completely different. He found that interesting. Or rather, interesting… He was very curious if and especially why I wanted to work for a large corporate company.

So brainstorming together was already there from the beginning. The last two years, however, a lot has changed: I started working for a multinational in the Zuidas and Chris is still working in the hospitality industry. He completed his philosophy studies, but he is still searching for what he really wants. He wants to help people, but finds it difficult to find an entry point with the institutions that interest him, especially those that align with his life philosophy.

Until half a year ago, I didn’t feel that our relationship was suffering because of that. Of course, our lifestyles and ideals are very different, but I never saw that as a negative point in our relationship. And neither did Chris, but half a year ago he wanted to have a serious conversation with me about our future. In the year before that, I had often mentioned that I would like to live together. That seemed like a logical step in our relationship; we had been together for three years by then and I was really ready for it.

Especially since I am still living with housemates and I am quite fed up with that. But it also seemed so unnecessary to rent something on my own, because besides the fact that it is very expensive, it seemed like a waste of money. Because at some point, we would surely live together, right? With good hope, I went to Chris after work, I was really convinced that he was going to tell me that he was ready for it too. But that turned out not to be the case. The conversation he wanted to have with me was about exploring how an open relationship would be.

I have often heard him make a case for monogamy, that he doesn’t believe in it and that people are not ‘made’ to be monogamous. That you can have love for one person, but that love is internal and that physical desire doesn’t have to be limited to that one person. And that’s what he started talking about again that evening, half a year ago. He didn’t want to lose me, he still saw a future with me, but he didn’t want to be bound to one person in terms of sexual contact.

I was completely speechless. When it comes to relationships, I am very conservative — if I may believe Chris: I find monogamy very important in a relationship. I immediately told Chris that in response; I can’t bear the thought of him being in bed with another girl while I’m home alone. Chris said that I didn’t have to give an answer right away and that he understood if I needed to think about it. ‘Fortunately,’ the corona crisis came, making it not really possible to immediately pursue his plan. And I actually haven’t said that I absolutely don’t want it yet. Now that the hospitality industry is reopening, I’m afraid he will bring it up again.

Chris is now back at work and it’s only a matter of time before we have to continue this conversation. I know that I really don’t want this, but I can tell from Chris that he thinks I’m open to it. Since he’s back at work, especially in the evenings, I’ve had sleepless nights. I know he won’t see it as cheating, but for me, it feels very different.’

In this unusual time, we asked people to share their honest story. To avoid hurting others, the names of Marcella and Chris have been changed.