Real life: ‘My insecurity is costing me my relationship’

Jeanine has been in a relationship with Robin for half a year now. She is head over heels in love, and he says he is too, but their relationship is not going very well.

‘I had a relationship with my ex for six years and we even lived together. I was so in love with him and incredibly happy. He always treated me very well, gave me a lot of freedom in what I wanted to do, and supported me in everything. We were an amazing team and I really saw myself growing old with him.

That’s why I really didn’t see it coming that he cheated. It wasn’t just once, but not even on two hands could you count it. In the six years I was with him, he was never faithful. With some girls, he even met up more often behind my back, just an affair. And there were several of them. He didn’t confess this honestly himself, but my best friend found out through others. A friend of a friend of hers happened to speak to someone he had been to bed with.

Really incredibly coincidental, because otherwise I might never have found out. I could still be with him now, blind with love and unaware. The question ‘did you not notice anything at all?’ I have received countless times. I never knew how to respond to it. ‘No, I am indeed that stupid. I didn’t notice anything and thanks for rubbing it in.’ Because of course I felt stupid. And taken for a fool. Sad, hurt... I don’t think there is an emotion possible that I haven’t felt after I found out.

But the fact that I genuinely didn’t notice anything is what I struggle with the most. I was very angry and sad about the betrayal. But how could it be such a surprise for me? It wasn’t just one mistake, there were so many and it happened so often and with so many different women. We gave each other a lot of freedom, but I always knew where he was, so it couldn’t be otherwise than that his friends (whom I also knew well by now) knew about it. That was indeed true. But yes, they said, he was initially their friend and not mine.

I had to recover quite a bit from this relationship, but after a while, I started dating again and met Robin on Tinder, an incredibly handsome guy with whom I clicked on almost all levels via the app. And when we met for the first time, it turned out to click in real life as well. We are now half a year further, so we don’t really know each other ‘outside’ of corona, but I really see a future with him.

Unfortunately, I notice that I just can’t seem to trust him. And he knows that. In the beginning, he was very understanding about it, especially considering what my ex did to me, but he is starting to get fed up with it now. In his eyes, he has never done anything that proves he is untrustworthy and he says he hates cheating. And when he says that, I believe him. But when he is out for drinks with friends and I haven’t heard from him for two hours, something snaps in me.

I just go completely crazy. In a panic, crying, imagining the worst things he might be doing right now — because otherwise, he would have surely texted me? I know in hindsight that it doesn’t make sense, but at that moment, I just don’t feel that. I am so incredibly suspicious and Robin is completely fed up with it. He often talks to me about how it should be after corona. What if the pubs open again and he goes out for drinks with his friends, then he doesn’t want to and can’t keep me updated or call me every quarter of an hour.

And that shouldn’t be the case at all. And I tell him that too, but still... Every time he is doing something with his friends, I just flip out. I almost ask for a selfie every hour, but it’s not far off. I want to trust him so badly and I promise myself that every time, but I just can’t do it. And I can tell from Robin that he is really fed up with it this way.’

In this unusual time, we asked people for their honest story. To avoid hurting others, the names of Jeanine and Robin have been changed.