She cries but she laughs

Friends who know you well can see when you're lying. When you send laughing emojis on WhatsApp but actually feel really terrible. When you just can't see it at all. Struggling with a Circus-Renz army of hormones in your body and feeling really sorry for yourself.

And yes, while there are people who really have big problems right now and you are actually doing quite well. And then you feel like a loser because you're being pathetic at all. The taboo on ‘you can't be pathetic without having a serious reason’. Such an unpleasant thing, really.

And so you cheerfully chat on WhatsApp with others, to not upset anyone who has it harder than you. She cries but she laughs. Maan knows all about it. So there she goes again, typing with her fingers. Texts. Hearts. Laughing emojis. Lalala conversations. Empty information. Fake information.

Shit. She sees right through me. She FaceTimes me. I look like a wreck. Oh fuck it, who cares. I answer. ‘Look..? Are you in bed again? Or still in bed? Darling, I really think you need to take a shower.’ I lower my eyes and she knows enough. Since the arrival of that oh so cozy little spiral, I suddenly know that a female cycle consists of four seasons. It's winter in my head now.

‘What gives you energy? When was the last time you exercised? You're putting on your butt in sports pants now and then you're going to run for at least half an hour, okay?’ I can hardly look her in the eye, I feel so loserish. ‘And then I want you to call me back like this, okay? And then you're not in bed anymore. And put on a bra and a clean shirt, it really helps.’ I grunt a sort of ‘yes, okay’ with a watery layer in my eyes.

Sigh.

Sometimes my hormones wear little party hats.
Not today. 
Tomorrow is a new day.
First, let's go for a run and let it all out. 

Bye.