The 9 signs that you are in an unhealthy friendship

I find it one of the hardest things to deal with without breaking: friendships that wear away. Girlfriends who, well, over time, because life happens to you, because you change, stand a little further away from you.

Once my father said: ‘You will see people come and go so often. That is sad, but also beautiful. In every phase, someone else fits into a friendship with you. But very few stay forever. That is real life.’ Well, not a cheerful message, but he is right, I know that by now. How many girlfriends have I had by my side with whom I now barely have contact? With whom I sometimes text: ‘yes, let's meet up soon!’, but we both already know that it won't happen anyway. You're busy, always tired, you have your own life, a partner, a family. You've changed: you're no longer that woman from back then with whom it clicked. She isn't either. You have very few commonalities left and suddenly a few weeks without time for a cup of coffee turns into a few months. And then a year has passed. And your friendship has officially faded. And that girlfriend with whom you went on vacation, with whom you shared joys and sorrows, has become an acquaintance. How can that happen?

The wear and tear of a friendship comes from the fact that there is no longer enough from which both parties derive their happiness. Sometimes it can hurt if you still want to meet up and your girlfriend doesn't, but honestly? Often it happens at exactly the same moment for both people. You feel less about such a meeting with her, but she does too with you. It slowly ebbs away: it certainly doesn't end in one day. But you have others with whom you prefer to meet, to whom you prefer to spend your time. And for that friendship, after a while, a whole new person comes along with whom you suddenly, in a different phase of your life, have a lot in common. With whom you laugh and talk and drink coffee as if it were natural, even though you actually had no time at all.

Do you feel that you no longer find a friendship worth the effort? Then you might be in an unhealthy friendship. Here are the 9 signs to look out for.

1. A meeting with her costs you more energy than it gives you
2. You already think of sixteen excuses in your head to cancel
3. You no longer care what she tells and what is happening in her life
4. You feel that you are always giving and she is only taking
5. You mostly hear her asking about herself and she shows little interest in what you are experiencing
6. All the initiative to meet comes from you
7. You feel exhausted, anxious, and depressed after seeing her
8. She judges you: you always do something wrong in her eyes and you notice that
9. There is always drama, there is always something difficult, there is always nagging and sadness, and you always have to show up when something is not okay

Research shows that if you have been closely friends for more than seven years, the chance is high that that friendship is forever. I believe this. Although like many others I have seen friendships fade, I have also seen friendships grow stronger over time. Girlfriends I have known since I was three or four years old. With whom I grew up, who feel more like sisters. They know who I mean and they will always be there, young or old, mother or no mother, wherever we live, whatever we do, whatever we experience. That is unique, you don't have that with everyone. So do you have a childhood friend with whom you still have nice, daily contact? Cherish it: it may seem very ordinary, but it is anything but. ‘That is real life.’