Lil says… Part 4: ‘Her belly is growing, mine is not.’
The ‘day after’ I wake up. Or rather, wake up, I actually haven't slept because what needed to happen happened last night. My body, with the help of the medication, understood that the embryo was no longer alive and eventually expelled it. I've never felt so relieved and sad, but above all, empty. I will spare you the details of that night, but the cramping abdominal pain, the heavy blood loss, and having to face an almost still intact embryo gives a ‘mommy to be’ a significant blow. In a bag that I received from the hospital is maternity pad. Man, how differently I had envisioned my ‘maternity period.’ Where I thought I wouldn't need it for a while, it's just time to pull out my monthly gadgets from the cupboard again. I place the basket with ‘stuff’ next to the toilet and try to stay strong. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Quickly, very quickly this basket is going back into the cupboard for nine months, is what I promise myself on the spot.
As white as a ghost and bent over in cramps, I decide to tidy up right away. My positive test, my pregnancy diary where I had been dutifully writing for twelve weeks, a few early bird gifts, and the framed ultrasound photo: everything has to go ASAP. My mother suggests putting the items in a box and taking them to her house. I am very grateful to her for that, almost two years later.
Although the weeks fly by and day by day it gets better, I certainly also find myself in a deep valley for a while. Friends of ours let us know they are expecting and turn out to be due almost on the same day I was. No matter how difficult, you are intensely happy for someone else. Her belly is growing, mine is not. And although I can sometimes feel super contradictory about it, I notice that I am indeed getting better every day. Of course, we are all still very sad about what has happened to us, but giving it a place is getting easier. ‘There is so much more misery in the world,’ ‘there must have been something wrong with the embryo,’ and ‘everything happens for a reason’ are wisdoms that have been on repeat in my mind countless times and that I have clung to almost obsessively for months. And of course, we will never find out the real deal, but it kept us going at that moment. And that was the most important thing.
Next week I have my follow-up appointment with the gynecologist at the hospital. I notice that I am somewhat looking forward to it. Looking forward to being able to close this saddest period, to get my period again, to get my body and mind back in line, and to dream further as future dads and moms. Next week I will take you with me to that appointment, an appointment that turned out to be completely different than we thought...
In the summer of 2019, I received the sad news of a missed abortion. After three months, it was seen on the second ultrasound that the little heart unfortunately no longer beat. I will take you along every Tuesday morning on Amayzine for the coming weeks to give this event in my life a better place and to make this topic less taboo, but mainly to give others in a similar situation the feeling that they are not alone. Because together we are so much stronger. And alone, you are not. I promise you that.
