Lil tells… Part 7
It is the very first day of 2020. In the last months of the previous year, we decided to put the whole getting pregnant thing on hold and give my body and mind all the time they needed. At the same time, I am ‘already’ two days late, which makes me feel a bit restless. I even have the feeling of ‘feeling’ something. To simply avoid giving myself false hope, I decide to take a pregnancy test. My boyfriend takes our dog Nola out for a walk with his New Year's hangover, which allows me to take a moment for myself and test after a morning of worrying. I didn't want to share this test with him. I wanted to protect him from disappointment. Especially on the first day of our happy year: 2020.
Not even a minute later, the pregnancy test is lying on the edge of the bathtub. Meanwhile, I am brushing my teeth and decide to take a look at the stick while waiting. Oh. My. God. There are two lines. OMG. In no time, my joy turns into tears. Truly out of happiness, but it was mainly the panic that completely took over me. I remember thinking: shit, here we go again. What am I doing to myself? So afraid of a repeat of that whole miscarriage situation; it's really bizarre how fear can take control of you like that. I had to be happy and grateful, but deep down I was mainly very scared and uncertain about what was to come. 2020 had to and would be our year and no way a copy of the previous awful year. 2020 is the year in which we get to become parents of a healthy little one, because that is what I have to and want to believe the hardest, end of discussion. With myself. In the bathroom. Still with toothpaste in my mouth, because I forgot to rinse. Because PREGNANT.
I look out the window and see my boyfriend walking home. I tape the positive pregnancy test to the door for a rather quickly improvised surprise upon entering. We cry and celebrate together and decide to share it with our parents that same day during the New Year's gathering. I was a mere four weeks pregnant, but we needed that support. Where we previously waited for a first ultrasound and surprised all parents with framed ultrasounds, now it was mainly very soft, emotional, and cautious words. And congratulations, they weren't quite ready for that yet. I just couldn't handle that yet. But really not. Out of joy about my pregnancy, I completely panicked. For now, we first had to wait and not rush things, starting with the eight-week ultrasound as a check... Because who can tell me that my body understands it now? That it won't let me down this time? Maybe it will decide to be pseudo-pregnant again? Or...
In the summer of 2019, I received the sad news of a missed abortion. After three months, it was seen on the second ultrasound that the little heart unfortunately no longer beat. I will take you along every Tuesday morning on Amayzine for the coming weeks to give this event in my life a better place and to make this topic less taboo, but mainly to give others in a similar situation the feeling that they are not alone. Because together we are so much stronger. And alone, you are not. I promise you that.
