Real life: “I hate my in-laws”

Mia is happy that Christmas is over. She always finds it cozy with her own parents, but the dinners with her in-laws are always pure hell. But of course, she can't tell her boyfriend Jeroen that.

‘I grew up in a very warm home. I have one sister and we are really ‘one happy family’. We are very open with each other and even though my sister and I have both moved out, we still go on vacation with the family for a weekend or longer every year. Without partners, just alone with family. And even though I have been with Jeroen for four years now and he really belongs to the family, he is not allowed to join on these outings and he knows that.

Jeroen often comes with me to my parents, because he gets along very well with them and feels very at home there. When I first started dating him, he already told me that he didn't have a very good relationship with his parents. He is an only child and always felt disturbed that all the attention was focused on him. According to him, his parents should have split up a long time ago and stayed together only because of him, even when he moved out. That put a lot of pressure on him and he found that annoying. The tension at home was always palpable, he said.

So it makes sense that I was very nervous when I met his parents for the first time. It was, to say the least, a tense evening. Whatever I said to him on the way back, I thought he would agree with me — it was true, wasn’t it? — but he became very irritated. That he already knew all that and that I didn’t need to tell him.

Then it became clear to me that he is allowed to complain about his parents and talk about what is wrong and how uncomfortable and unkind it all is, but that I am not. Somewhere I understand it: he still feels attacked if someone says something negative about his parents. Even though he shares that opinion, he tends to defend them.

So even though I understand it, the past four years have been quite tough when it comes to his parents. Every time I go there with a knot in my stomach, because it’s always such a long evening and never cozy. His father always drinks just a little too much (or sometimes way too much) and then only starts to criticize his mother. That she has never achieved anything. That she does too little at home. That she is not intelligent. He says it as a joke, but it is clear to everyone that it is just his truth.

And this Christmas it happened again. So much so that Jeroen's mother burst into tears. I often feel sorry for her; she is a tough woman, but if no one ever gives you love, I would also become like that. Jeroen always chooses his father's side without exception, and that can't be easy. But still, that she burst into tears... I had never seen that woman show any emotion.

So I really didn't know what to do. Jeroen's father had to laugh, Jeroen himself became silent and I just sat there a bit. In hindsight, Jeroen said that his mother was overreacting but also that I, as a woman, should have comforted her. And I am just thinking about whether there is a way to never have to see those two people again.’