Real life: “My boyfriend loves rough sex but I don't”

Mia (31) has been in a relationship with Tycho (29) for a year and a half. At first, it was amazing, but now it is no longer. This has everything to do with a confession from Tycho: he has desires in bed that Mia does not want to fulfill.

“I find myself anything but prude, but I had to swallow hard when Tycho confessed his secret. The time I knew him and before our relationship became official, we always had a lot of sex. In hindsight, he didn't find that satisfying enough or didn't enjoy it to the fullest, but for me, it was just right. Very good even: I felt that we clicked very well on a sexual level.

That makes his revelation doubly difficult. Did I misjudge it so badly? I really thought I noticed that he enjoyed it just as much as I did. Now that I hear this in hindsight, it feels a bit like he was pretending. Or that he wasn't fully satisfied. Maybe he was thinking about very different things to get excited when he was in bed with me.

Tycho actually loves rough sex. Much rougher than I'm used to and much rougher than I would want. I did notice that when he let himself go, he could sometimes grab me very hard by the throat or suddenly pull my hair really hard. Personally, I don't like that at all, and I made that clear every time. That he looked a bit caught and a bit disappointed, I of course noticed.

But that his actual sexual desires go much further than that, I really didn't expect and didn't see coming at all. Once the cat was out of the bag, he talked very openly about it. His ex did everything: nipple clamps, strap-ons, handcuffs, that kind of stuff. I didn't know what I was hearing.

My first reaction was, maybe very childish, to burst out laughing. Me? A strap-on? To go inside him? Please, no way. Just the thought alone gave me a nervous laugh. Tycho understandably couldn't really appreciate that; it was a huge step for him to be honest about this, and my first reaction was to laugh at him. I couldn't make him understand that I was laughing at the absurdity of the conversation.

Tycho asked, almost begged me, to give it a chance. It didn't have to be all that intense right away, but couldn't I at least try? I immediately shot down that idea. I really don't want that, and I'm not going to cross my boundaries just because he happens to get excited about it. I have to enjoy it too and feel comfortable, right?

But yes, that applies to him too, of course. And after that conversation, three months ago now, our sex life has really become very sad. Now that I know he doesn't find the sex between us satisfying enough — because he has said that too — I can't let myself go anymore. I'm just thinking about what he would actually want to do with me at this moment, or what I would want with him, and then I'm immediately out of the mood.

And he doesn't really want to have sex with me in the old-fashioned way anymore. He thinks that now that I know his preferences, I should be more open to it if I want our relationship to succeed. I really don't know what to do, but I do know that I'm never going to find these kinds of things exciting. Does our relationship still have a future? It feels so stupid that it will fall apart because of this, but to be honest, I see no other ending for this story.”

In this unusual time, we asked people to share their honest story. To avoid hurting others, the names of Mia and Tycho have been changed.