Real life: “now that all the parties are gone, I realize how addicted I was”

Sarina's (26) life has changed, like that of many others, due to the corona crisis. She was always on the go and attended every party. Now that everything is falling away, she realizes how dependent she was on this life.

“Very cliché, but long live the fun was really my motto. I attended every party, and it was really an exception if I didn't make it to the end. In fact, I was often found at the afters. Was I hungover the next day? Yes, of course, but luckily I never suffered from massive hangovers or feeling rough. I actually always functioned well, no matter how hard I had gone the night before. Even if I hadn't slept at all, I was actually fine.

It also helped that I didn't work full-time. I had a part-time job in hospitality and was studying. My other income came from borrowing as much as possible from DUO. That might sound a bit reckless, but I am really aware that I have to pay it all back. My parents know about it too: they understand and also think I should enjoy my student years. That my studies suffered from my partying behavior was of course to be expected, but I felt like I was still managing it all. A year or two delay wouldn't be a disaster, and I was having an amazing time, right?

And then came corona and everything came to a standstill. All the parties on the horizon, all the festivals: everything was canceled. At first, I was really bummed about it, just like many others. But I have now realized how dependent I had become on this lifestyle, and I find that quite difficult. Especially since I didn't see any problem in it while it was happening. But how I lived was actually quite problematic. It was an exception if I hadn't drunk for a day in the week. Either I had a dinner, where I always had a glass of wine, or I hung around my work, where I also always had a glass of wine or beer, or I was working, where we also just drank. Or at a party. If I wasn't drinking alcohol there, I was on drugs.

A pill now and then I really don't find a problem, still don't. I don't think that was really the problem, but maybe that's just still my denial. It's more the combination of alcohol and drugs, and especially the snorting. Only now do I realize how often I actually did that. Every work night in the pub was a party and it was on: the boss knew about it and always turned a blind eye. We did our job well, and that was the most important thing to him. But a night out with friends often got out of hand, certainly once a week, so then the dealer was called. And so I found myself on Tuesday with alcohol, ketamine, and of course coke. Actually, looking back now, there hasn't been a week that I didn't snort. In fact, I usually did it multiple times a week. That it was quite problematic, especially with the amount I drank alongside it, I really didn't realize at all. We were just having fun, right?

But now that everything is at a standstill and there is little to look forward to, with a summer behind me in which no party took place, I only now realize how empty my existence was. That sounds heavy, but what did I actually have in common with my friends I met up with? Our love for going hard through the sound was what bonded us. The same goes for my colleagues at work; we get along, but we aren't really friends either. And now I feel alone. Because these aren't really my friends, but also because I miss it. Not even the people, more these kinds of evenings. I miss the feeling of carefreeness and the joy that pills give me. But especially I miss the coke and the feeling it gives me. The fact that I miss that even more than the people makes me quite scared.

I now know that I have to stop, because my dependence on this is no longer healthy. But I also know that when everything becomes a bit normal again, I probably won't be able to resist the temptation. In fact, I am really looking forward to it, even though I know it's not good for me. How serious does that sound?”

In this unusual time, we asked people to share their story. To avoid hurting others, Sarina's name has been fictionalized.