Do we behave just like our parents in relationships?

Sometimes I really get a bit scared of myself when I shout something across the house to my boyfriend, and I hear my own mother one-on-one. ‘Maybe you can do something for once.’ or: ‘It would be nice if I didn't have to ask for that.’ In those moments, I suddenly feel like I've been married for a hundred years. Do we unconsciously take over things we've seen at home? Or is this simply our character that is in the family's genes? And do we really resemble our parents when it comes to love?

Here, relationship therapist, clinical sexologist, and psychologist Chloé De Bie has more to say about this. When asked to what extent we take things from our parents in the realm of love, she says the following: ‘Yes and no. Love means something different for everyone. How we learn love and what the definition of it is, is interpreted differently by everyone. You learn those things very early on as a child from your role models. For most, those are the parents, the caregivers.’ And those caregivers provide you with not only food and drink but also a ‘love map.’ ‘That love map is an idea. Something you think: this is how love should be. You can fight against it, but there will always be a little voice in your head saying: ‘This is how it should be.’

According to De Bie, we can deal with this in two ways: ‘Some people will resist the idea of their love map and think: no, I really have a problem with that. It can't be that this is how love should be. Those people will then do everything to avoid falling into their parents’ pattern. But that often has a counterproductive effect. Those who resist in such a way often end up in exactly the same situation.'

But what if you actually want to resemble your parents? Does that also have a counterproductive effect? ‘Of course, there is another scenario, one where you take things you like and want to apply to your life. For example: your parents went out to eat for every special occasion, so you expect to do this with your partner as well. We tend to mirror what we've seen at home,’ De Bie explains.

Last but not least: can we change this pattern? According to De Bie, we can work on escaping that pattern, but that usually involves a therapist and takes some time. Well, I believe I draw the conclusion that I personally don't mind taking things from my parents. So I'm just going to accept it. After all, they've been married for over 25 years, and that's a good sign, right?

Source: Flair.be