What all women want/need to know about new motherhood/mom to be
Journalist Franke wrote ‘I think I can do it’, full of tips for a relaxed first year with your baby. Especially for Amayzine, she shares wise advice that is not only useful for new mothers, but secretly applies to all independent women out there.
What I am about to tell you applies to all women. And especially for moms (to be), because as soon as you become a mother, different laws and rules will apply. I should add right away: even if you are not a mother yet, you will surely benefit from my wise advice.
I didn't come up with that wise advice myself, otherwise I would have been a guru by now instead of a journalist. No, that advice was whispered to me by friends, told by strong women I have interviewed over the years, and explained by experts, from sexologist Eveline Stallaart to presenter Sofie van den Enk and self-care specialist Hanneke Peeters. A hint of the veil:
1. Being a little rebellious is always good
What I mean is: follow your feelings. Your feelings are always right. This may sound like a no-brainer, but it isn't. There are all sorts of things that can stand in the way of your feelings: government policies, advice from others, social pressure, ideal images on the internet, the idea of ‘how it should actually be’. But what I have discovered is: what is good for one is not automatically good for another. Take breastfeeding: it's best for the baby, it should work, push through the pain. I struggled for three months until a perceptive doctor put an end to this story. I had wrecked my body and my daughter Puk was hungry. What was best for the baby turned out not to be best for me, and thus certainly not for my baby. I learned: it's okay to do things your own way. As long as it feels good.
Now I'm not saying you should go through life as a total anarchist, but a little bit of a rebel heart has never hurt anyone.
2. An elephant skin is handy
The opinion of others: oh, so difficult. To give an example: this is what others think of me as a mother. My brother thinks I'm too strict (and that I tidy up my house too often). According to my posh father-in-law, I'm not strict enough. There are friends who think I'm not ambitious enough since I became a mother, while I also have friends who praise my CV. And I don't even dare to write down what I get in response to my columns and blogs, but I can assure you: your ears will be ringing.
So you see: I'm not doing it right. You probably never do it right for everyone either. That's not a problem at all, as long as you don't take it too much to heart. You can't please everyone, so if you want to please someone, then especially yourself. Quickly grow that elephant skin. Or a Teflon layer à la Rutte, if you like. You are amazing and I am sure you can do it.
3. Self-care is essential
Grab your agenda and block time for yourself. For a warm bath with your favorite bath products. For a day at the sauna. A weekend away in your favorite hotel. Create a small spot (or, if you live larger: a cool mom cave in the form of a giant walk-in closet, a library with a crackling fireplace, or a pool café) where you can always become zen, wonderfully alone. Treat yourself to everything that helps you relax and makes you happy. Be kind to your body. Once you have children, your peace is over. And then you better be well-trained in scheduling me-time and claiming it for yourself.
Finally, a brilliant tip I once got from May when I was pregnant with daughter Puk: ‘Read all the books and magazines you want to read now, because you won't have time for that for a few years.’ There was no word of a lie in that. So enjoy reading and pssst: for even more great tips, see below.
Franke van Hoeven is a freelance journalist and writer, mother of Puk (9) and Olle (6), and a fan of yoga, wine, and bitterballen, the beach, and the Netflix series Bridgerton (read: Simon Basset). Her book ‘I think I can do it’, the handbook for new mothers, is now for sale.
