7 x this is where your unjustified jealousy comes from

A little jealousy is healthy, but of course you shouldn't go overboard. I must honestly admit that I am a bit jealous myself, at least more jealous than my beloved. By the way, I don't call it jealousy but territorial behavior, which sounds a bit better. Fortunately, it is getting less and less, because I am more often aware that my jealousy often makes no sense at all. Moreover, ‘pick your battles’ has recently become my new life motto.

Well, often certain thinking errors cause this unreasonable jealousy to arise. And when you realize that you are making these thinking errors, it becomes easier to get rid of them. So for all jealous types, I share here the seven thinking errors that we often make according to psychologist Pieternel Dijkstra. when we are jealous. If you realize that you are making these mistakes, you are already quite far according to her.

1. You are filtering

The word says it all: you filter the entire situation, causing you to focus only on one aspect of the situation, for example, when you only look at the good qualities of your partner's ex. As soon as there is contact between your partner and his/her ex, you can only think about this and not about the fact that there are also plenty of reasons why they broke up. You ignore all the negative qualities, making yourself unnecessarily crazy. Simple trick: remember that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. There is a good chance that that one annoying ex is actually jealous of your strengths, because that is why your beloved is with you after all.

2. You think you know what your partner is thinking

I have countless times thought that I have a paranormal gift, where I can read my beloved's thoughts. But nothing could be further from the truth, because I have really been quite wrong in my jealous moods. Oops. In the case of jealousy within a relationship, projection often occurs because people think that their partner shares their negative self-image. People with a low self-image are often convinced that they are not worth the effort. They think that their partner thinks exactly the same and therefore will cheat. Moreover, this projection can also arise because you yourself have felt something for someone else during your relationship, and therefore think that your partner is also capable of that. It is important to realize that this is about your own thoughts and not those of your partner.

3. You take everything personally

As a jealous person, you might think that the whole world revolves around you. When your partner is a bit absent because he/she has a lot on his/her mind, it is very easy to assume that your beloved has lost interest in you. When I find myself in such a situation, I often say: ‘See, you never look at me anymore, so you don't find me attractive anymore.’ Well, this makes no sense at all, and I just want a little attention at that moment. Another thing: your partner is really not immediately in love when he/she laughs at someone else. So especially stop involving all your beloved's actions with yourself.

4. You have exaggerated romantic thoughts

Jealous people are quite romantic and that only strengthens that jealousy. Unfortunately, I recognize myself in this point again, because I am the ultimate romantic. Should I suddenly let go of all my expectations of love? According to Dijkstra, jealous people often think that you can only love one person at a time. Unfortunately, this is not a very realistic idea, and therefore we better think: you never know how a relationship can go, instead of: if you are really in love, you will stay with that person forever. Well, I haven't thought that last part for a long time, so in that respect, I am making progress.

5. Assuming the worst

Jealous people are always prepared for the worst. Well, I also always assume the worst. Is there going to be a point where I don't recognize myself? And don't we all do this, assuming the worst? Then it can only turn out better, right? But in a relationship, this mindset is not always beneficial. According to Dijkstra, it can help to check with yourself how likely it is that what you are imagining will actually happen. It is also useful to think about what you can do if the absolute worst-case scenario becomes reality. What are the consequences of that? If you have a ‘contingency plan’ ready, you will worry less about it and your jealousy will decrease. I actually think this is a very good tip; as a control freak, I will just outline a good contingency plan.

6. Jealous due to a negative self-image

This thinking error is harder to solve because these negative beliefs largely stem from our childhood. Past experiences can make it difficult for you to trust your current partner. With a low self-image, it is hard to believe that someone wants to stay with you, because everyone is ultimately more ‘worth it’ than you are. They say for a reason: first become happy yourself before you can do that with someone else. Easier said than done, but true. So don't forget to invest in yourself.

7. Measuring with two standards

When your partner comes home very late, it sometimes crosses your mind that there has been ‘a special meeting’ in the bar, which is why he/she stayed so long. But when you come home very late, it is simply because you had a good time with your friends. The latter is most likely also the case with your beloved, but you don't always want to accept this. Jealous people often give a different explanation for their own behavior than for their partner's behavior. And you need to stop doing that.

Source: Psychology Magazine