Science says: libido does not exist
The word ‘libido’ comes up all too often in conversations with my girlfriends. Nine times out of ten, these conversations are about the same recurring issue: the love partners have a low libido and my now frustrated girlfriends have a high libido, causing the sex life not to go as desired. Often, we quickly draw the conclusion in these kinds of conversations that men's libido decreases after their thirties. Tough luck for us. But based on this theory, we actually just assume that a decreasing libido is related to aging.
This turns out not to be the case at all, because according to experts, the phenomenon libido doesn't even exist. Researchers claim that what we have always considered ‘the libido’ is nothing more than ‘spontaneous desire‘. Sexologist Astrid Kremers also refers to it as an old Freudian concept that sexologists have not used for a while. From Freud, we inherited the idea that libido is a natural instinct, something every human is born with. Kremers thinks differently about this. She provides the following explanation: ‘Desire and arousal are emotions. Just like fear, joy, and sadness. It sometimes seems as if that arousal arises spontaneously, but it is always a reaction to something, just like other emotions.’ According to Kremers, arousal can be stimulated and desire arises from inhibiting and stimulating factors. These factors are related to yourself, your relationship, the circumstances, and sufficient sexual stimuli.
The reason people have a lot of desire for sex at the beginning of their relationship is that they invest more attention, effort, and time in these four points mentioned above during the initial phase. That sounds quite logical, of course: at the beginning of a relationship, you spend a lot of time making yourself look good for the other and are constantly busy with each other because you are head over heels in love.
But what can you do if you notice that the non-existent libido (or your desire for sex) is decreasing? Kremers: ‘I have no general advice. I look at each person to see what inhibiting and stimulating factors are present. How can we remove the inhibiting factors and add the stimulating ones? This could lead to advice in the area of lifestyle: going to bed earlier, more relaxation, healthier eating, or more exercise so that someone feels better in their skin. But it could also be other tips, such as organizing more sweet things for each other or putting a lock on the door so that the kids can no longer disturb you. And think of other or stronger sexual stimuli.’
Well, I at least know what advice I am going to give to my girlfriends: live healthier and slam a lock on that door. I am curious.
Source: nu.nl
