With the ‘sofa theory’ you find love in five steps
You don't have to tell me anymore, I know. We are all dating app tired, no longer interested in meaningless dates and have no idea where love is hiding these days. What a shame. Finding love was once, before it became a nerve-wracking, deadly exhausting chore, something very beautiful. Do you recognize yourself in this? Then I have good news for you: new research shows that people who find dates easily time and again feel the worst about their dating life.
That sounds like a glimmer of hope at the end of that hopeless dating tunnel, but that doesn't change the fact that finding love seems to be an increasingly heavy task that you probably (rightly) are no longer waiting for. Psychologist Elinor Greenberg has come up with something for that: dating according to the ‘sofa theory’, or dating as if you are going to buy a new couch. By dating based on what you need and like, what fulfills your needs, and if you don't stop searching, you will eventually find something that really suits you. You wouldn't buy the first couch you see when you've decided you need a new one, would you? Exactly. From now on, we will work purposefully when it comes to finding a suitable partner, and here's how you do it:
1. Make it clear to yourself what you want
I recently bought a new couch and I can tell you that that decision did not come overnight. I spent months searching for the right style, size, and fabrics, and I only knew where my interest lay after visiting several stores. Apply the same discernment when it comes to figuring out what you want in a potential partner. Dr. Greenberg advises taking the time to decide what you want in a relationship and in a partner and keep that in mind when you meet people. If your date doesn't have the right style, dimensions, or just doesn't feel quite right? Move on to the next.
2. Beware of striving for perfection
Take it from me, the perfect couch (and the perfect partner) does not exist. I love mine, but it has already started to sag after six months. My couch, that is, not my partner. And while the idea of the perfect partner is lovely to dream about: if you wait for that, you could be waiting forever. Good for your waistline, not so good for your happiness in love. Dr. Greenberg says that if you wait for the perfect match while ignoring some pretty good ones, you are shortchanging yourself. That sagging is sometimes just part of it, it doesn't make things any less comfortable.
3. Only go on dates with people who have qualities you want in a partner
Do you think I sat on those uncharming, brown leather bachelor couches in my search for my new couch? No, of course not. I knew exactly what I wanted, so I focused on my goal. Other couches than the one I had in mind didn't exist for me anymore. Approach your dating life the same way and only meet with people who share your interests and values to avoid wasting your precious time on the human form of a sagging, peeling, second-hand bachelor couch.
4. Look in other locations
Even if you are an online shopper and prefer to pick your dates off dating apps, you can't expect your great love to suddenly appear in a box at your door. Just like you really have to go out to find the right couch match. Think about what is important to you and look for locations that match that. Are you looking for an athletic type (I can't imagine, but who am I?), then keep your eyes open at the gym. Are you a homebody? Then you probably won't find your partner in the middle of a busy club.
5. Don't give up
Just like when buying a new couch, you don't throw in the towel by saying: ‘I won't buy a couch at all anymore.’ What are you going to sit on then? A garden chair? Dating (and couch shopping) is simply a numbers game, so part of the process may involve going on many dates where there are no winners. If you have a series of bad dates, take the time to think about what you did and didn't like about those dates and just start again at step 1. You will eventually find that one couch (and partner) that is the most comfortable.
Source: Well and Good, Image: Emily in Paris, Netflix
