Love & Sex

All the rules for a friendship with your ex

By Sophie Rietmulder | #!31Tue, 10 Oct 2023 17:00:07 +0200+02:000731#31Tue, 10 Oct 2023 17:00:07 +0200+02:00-5Europe/Amsterdam3131Europe/Amsterdam202331 10pm31pm-31Tue, 10 Oct 2023 17:00:07 +0200+02:005Europe/Amsterdam3131Europe/Amsterdam2023312023Tue, 10 Oct 2023 17:00:07 +02000050010pmTuesday=9#!31Tue, 10 Oct 2023 17:00:07 +0200+02:00Europe/Amsterdam10#10-10-2023#!31Tue, 10 Oct 2023 17:00:07 +0200+02:000731#/31Tue, 10 Oct 2023 17:00:07 +0200+02:00-5Europe/Amsterdam3131Europe/Amsterdam202331#!31Tue, 10 Oct 2023 17:00:07 +0200+02:00Europe/Amsterdam10#

A friendship with my ex, I couldn't even think about it when we just broke up. Now it's also a bit in my nature to jump into my getaway car and not look back, but the older we get, the more friendships between exes I see forming. Maybe that's because our relationships are becoming more intense. I never thought I would marry the most ridiculous boyfriend ever, whom I met at 18, but the relationship that followed around my 23rd did steer a bit more towards the altar. Despite the fact that I am very happy that it didn't turn out that way, it also felt strange to permanently close the door between us. The love that was once there didn't just disappear. It took a while, but eventually, we ended up with a nice friendship. One where you don't talk to each other daily (sometimes not even monthly), but you know it's there. And that's nice. Yet, this is easier said than done, because a friendship with your ex can become incredibly complex. Curious how you can make it work? Then at least stick to the following rules.

Let some time pass
Breaking up on Friday and going for a friendly cup of coffee on Monday obviously doesn't work. First, take the time to process the end of your relationship (yes, even if you were the one who ended it) and only then think about how you will approach your friendship. There must be enough time passed so that all feelings, both good and bad, have found a safe place in your glued heart.

Don't share everything
You don't need to hear every detail of each other's new love lives. In fact, it's better to just completely avoid this topic. Just because you don't want to be with your ex anymore doesn't automatically mean you want to hear stories about the people who do end up in his or her bed.

Limit your expectations
Your relationship is now different, so your ex doesn't have to be available for you day and night anymore. You will have to learn to tackle challenges in a different way now and share your successes with other people around you.

Your current relationship comes first
If your ex's new boyfriend or girlfriend prefers that you don't see each other, then respect that. This doesn't mean you can never speak again, but whatever you do: don't do anything secretly. Try to find a balance between your friendship and your new relationship. It can be as simple as introducing your new flame to your old one, so that your new love can see that nothing is going on between you anymore. Really, if I had the chance to tell my ex's girlfriends that they can have and keep him with love, I would do it right away.

No sex
Say it with me: Keep. Those. Clothes. On. There is nothing that makes a friendship with your ex more complicated than sex while you're not together anymore. Of course, it's super tempting, I get that, but do yourself a favor and keep your friendship out of the bedroom.