How to recover from a relationship with a narcissist

Love has its ups and downs. You are super in love, but with another person, the first cracks in the relationship start to show. You can drift apart as friends, or break up with someone you would rather erase from your memory. The latter is usually the case when you come out of a toxic relationship. This usually means that you had a negative effect on each other. It may be that you were lured out of your tent because you were in a relationship with a narcissist. They have quite a knack for making people around them think they are crazy while they do all sorts of unpleasant things. Because of these kinds of bad experiences, you may have developed a negative pattern.

It is very recognizable, but not okay

You can recognize this by being suspicious all the time, or being on your guard because you might get hurt. Also, when you make yourself vulnerable, and the other person does not meet the (unrealistic) expectations you have set for your relationship, you may start to act mean because you are afraid that person will take advantage of your vulnerability. It may even be that you come up with whole scenarios in your head about what that person might be doing if they don't respond for a while. Of course, you immediately think that your love is dating someone else, or even lying in bed with someone else, right? It is not nice to be accused of this. Not for your lover, but also for yourself, it costs quite a bit of stress and energy to constantly have to deal with this in your head. Unconsciously, you are then looking for clues that support your suspicions. And surprise: you can even see those clues in things that make no sense at all, like a like on an Insta post. Despite the fact that you may think it will pass, or that you can simply solve it by pushing those thoughts away, something more will be needed.

You need to get out of this negative algorithm

You need to get out of this negative algorithm: your new love is not your ex. He or she deserves a fair chance, just like your relationship. Your negative behavior will not help here. So, what steps can you take if you want to get out of this negative pattern? How do you recover from a relationship with a narcissist?

These four steps will help you when you need it

Discover where the problem comes from. Did your ex cheat? Was there a lot of lying and manipulation? Realize that and reflect on it. Learn to understand where your fear comes from, from what actions you have retained a bad feeling about that relationship. It has apparently damaged you so much that you now seem convinced that everyone is like that. So feel that pain, find out why it hurts so much, and accept that you feel that way instead of pushing it away.

Let (unrealistic) expectations of this relationship go. Do you think your lover should send messages all day because otherwise he doesn't really love you? Or that they should respond immediately when you send a message or call? Maybe you even want that person to be constantly available to meet up because they should always want to see you. All these examples are unrealistic expectations. Your beloved is not looking at their phone all day. Just like you, they probably have a job or other obligations. Maybe it's very simple and your sweetheart is having coffee with a friend. Whether or not someone is in contact with you all day says absolutely nothing about what that person feels for you.

You both have your own lives, and you like that too. Imagine your lover sitting around all day just waiting for you to have time for them! That would feel a bit suffocating, I think. You also don't have all day to be busy with the other person. But of course, you only notice that you need attention from them at moments when you have a little time to spare. Constantly being preoccupied with what the other person is doing (or worse: what they ‘could‘ be doing, according to your creative ’worst-case scenario‘ brain) is not healthy. Not for your peace of mind, and not for your relationship. Think of it as a handful of sand: as long as you keep the sand in a bowl in your hands, it stays there. But if you make a fist and squeeze the sand? Then it slips through your fingers. You can compare this to your relationship as well. The more control you try to exert over the other person's behavior, the greater the chance that you will push them away with your own behavior.

Be kind to yourself and be patient. The feelings and thoughts you have do not mean that you are a disturbed crazy person or a bad person. You are damaged by what someone else has done to you before. So do not push your feelings and thoughts away, but reflect on them. Where do you feel tension? How does fear feel, or do you even have physical pain from the panic you create in yourself by the stories you invent in your own head about all the possible ways someone could hurt you? Do you feel it in your stomach, your heart, or do you become unreasonably angry? Breathe calmly, and tell yourself that you are aware of those feelings. Try to release the physical tension with breathing exercises. Those exercises will help you become a bit calmer in your head. With each exhale, you let go of a bit of tension and negativity.

And again: be patient with yourself. You will not change overnight. Also explain to your new love that you are aware of your pattern and that you are working on yourself. Ask him or her if they can be patient with you, show a bit of understanding, and maybe support you from time to time. But it is important that your beloved does not become too understanding: it should not be the case that constant evidence is provided so that you believe that nothing is wrong. This will only make it worse in the end and reinforce the negative pattern.