Do or don't: taking a break from your relationship

Sometimes you reach a point in a relationship where you are not entirely happy, but you also don't want to be without the other person. Do you just keep going, or do you put an end to it? There is a third option: taking a break. A little more distance, but no definitive end. Is this the salvation for your relationship? This is what experts say.

Why take a break?

Taking a break is less definitive than actually breaking up right away. You do take distance, but you clearly agree on how long. During that time, both of you will think about how you stand in the relationship and whether or not there is a future. According to relationship expert Jenna Birch, there are several reasons why you might consider a break. “You should consider a break when you have lost perspective on the relationship, or something else is preventing you or your partner from giving the relationship the time and attention it deserves.” What that ‘something else’ is varies from couple to couple. Major events like a new job or a stressful family dispute can cause the priority for one of you to not be on the relationship for a while. Another option: if you have been together since a young age, you may have become too comfortable and doubts may arise. You may have never had another partner and become curious if this is really it for you.

Pros and cons

According to Birch, a break can be exactly what your relationship needs. It gives both of you the chance to address problems without feeling the pressure from the other. It is also the way to discover how much you care about your partner. You might suddenly realize how many ways the other person actually makes your life better. Research shows that on average 37 percent of couples get back together after a break, so it can really work. However, Birch notes that it is not all positive. If you have been together for a long time and suddenly find yourself alone again, it can feel quite lonely. You may also discover during your break that your feelings are indeed no longer there and that you really want to break up. That is not a pleasant conclusion, especially if your partner wants to continue. In any case, the situation will be awkward if one of you feels that a temporary break is not needed at all.

A few more tips

If you choose to take a break, Birch has a few tips to make the most of it, whether or not you get back together.

1. Know why you are taking a break
What do you want to achieve during your break? Does your communication need to improve, or do you need time for a family issue? By asking that question, you will discover what needs to be worked on.

2. Make clear agreements
When taking a break, it is good to agree on a few rules. First: will you have contact during the ‘break’ or not? You can choose to not speak at all or perhaps check in once a week to see how things are going. That is entirely up to you. It is also good to discuss: are you free to meet new people and perhaps go on dates, or is that an absolute no-go? If that is not clear, it can lead to quite painful situations.

3. Set an end date
The big difference between a break and a definitive breakup is, of course, that a break has an end. It is helpful to agree on when that is. According to Birch, two to four weeks is a good start. After that, you can decide whether to extend the break or to make a decision.

4. Put yourself first
Try to really focus all your attention on yourself for a while. Do things that help you and make you happy, and keep yourself busy. This way, you can discover how you feel about life without your partner and whether you miss the other person. This will motivate you to either invest new energy into your relationship or help you accept that it is not going to work for you.

5. Be respectful
Although it is not a real breakup, a break is also not an ideal situation. Ideally, you would be completely in love without problems. Give the other person space to think and respect each other's choices. You did not choose to give your relationship another chance for nothing.

6. Write down your feelings
During the break, a lot will go through your mind, and it can help to occasionally write down your feelings. This way, you can calmly look back later on how you felt at that time. Especially if you do not see each other for a longer period, this can help you ultimately make the right choice.

7. Discuss your relationship
If you both feel that your break has lasted long enough, it is good to discuss together how you both feel now. Believe me, that will be an exciting conversation. Maybe you both have experienced that you really missed each other and want to go for it again; but it can also be that you want to put an end to it definitively. You can also choose to involve an expert in the hope of saving the relationship.

Basically, you can follow one rule: if it feels like something is not right between you, but you do not want to end it immediately, then a break is a good option for you. As with everything in love, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. A temporary break will not help all couples. What is certain is: it gives you both the chance to think and make the right choice for you.

Source: PureWow