Viral on TikTok: is submarining the new ghosting?

After quite a few dates and back-and-forth texting, it seems like there really is a connection. But then, poof; your ‘lover’ completely disappears from the face of the earth. Just when you start to accept that you’ve really been ghosted, you suddenly get a message again: ‘Hey, how are you?’. This almost disappearing act has been dubbed ‘submarining’ thanks to TikTok and is, according to relationship experts, perhaps even more annoying than ghosting.

A human boomerang

Submarining and ghosting ghosting are quite similar, your date suddenly chooses complete silence out of nowhere. The big difference lies in the time. With ghosting, contact is permanently broken and you never see or speak to each other again. With submarining, someone suddenly returns after an indefinite period as if nothing happened. According to psychologist Dr. Catherine Nobile, someone who follows this dating trend will try to pick up the contact immediately as if you spoke just a day earlier. They also won’t say a word about their sudden absence. With a bit of bad luck, they repeat this trick again after a few months. It mainly creates a lot of confusion.

But, why then?

I understand that you might think: why would you do this to someone? Yet, according to relationship experts, there are various reasons why people submarine; it’s not just an impulsive action. According to marriage and family therapist Dené Logan, it can be a sign of commitment issues. “When things get too serious or intense at the beginning, they back off. Then, after their initial fear has subsided, they decide it’s safe to test the waters again.” They want to, but just don’t dare. However, according to relationship expert Dr. Wendy Walsh, that’s not the only reason. In the overactive dating world, people sometimes just want to have a ‘backup partner’. And yes, it’s as painful as it sounds. Submariners date around, and when they feel lonely, they reach out to an old flame again. Psychologist Dr. Catherine Nobile even sees a third cause. Realizing that you still have appeal gives a certain thrill. “The emotional highs and lows of these relationships can stimulate the reward system, causing someone to become addicted to the feeling of merging that comes with reunion.” Even if they don’t really want to enter into a relationship, they will keep seeking that confirmation every time.

The ultimate comeback

Ghosting is already painful, but that constant uncertainty of submarining might be even more annoying. According to experts, there are several ways to respond to the (umpteenth) comeback, to perhaps finally put an end to it.

1. A bit of sarcasm
According to Logan, humor can help you not take the situation too seriously right away, but still express your opinion in a light-hearted way. “Humor can sometimes be an effective way to set a boundary without feeling like you’re demanding an immediate explanation.” A message like: “Nice to see you’re still alive…”, is a good suggestion. Nice and sarcastic, but it lets them know that just disappearing is really not acceptable.

2. To the point
Do you really not want to beat around the bush any longer? Then, according to Logan, it’s best to get straight to the point. By starting immediately about their sudden return, you force the other person to take responsibility and provide an explanation. However, you should be cautious here, according to Logan. “This person may find such questions confrontational and may try to use gaslighting to downplay their disappearance. It’s crucial to hold your ground and maintain integrity in your experience.” So definitely don’t let them walk all over you.

3. A taste of their own medicine
Whoever really wants to make a statement can, according to Dr. Nobile, best choose silence themselves now. “Not responding can be the clearest boundary you set.” Logan agrees with this. “Ultimately, we teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept or refuse to accept.” That disappearing behavior is not worth your time and energy. You deserve better; and the other person should know that too.

Source: PureWow