Is there a handbook for letting go of your children?
My sister just had a baby, and every now and then I notice that I have a kind of strange form of homesickness when I see how she holds her baby in her arms all day or takes it outside in the carrier. I'm not the kind of person who wants to say ‘enjoy it, before you know it they're grown up’ but similar thoughts do cross my mind. My son is now twelve and since this year he goes to high school. The last time we walked out of his elementary school together, I felt tears prick in my eyes, because I realized all too well that from that moment on I wouldn't be bringing him to school anymore. From now on he would bike to school himself, crossing the busy city with his heavy school bag full of books, just like a real first-year student does. But I can also worry about his mental health: does he feel good, is he not too influenced by others, does he tell me honestly if something is bothering him? And I often wonder: how do other parents do it? Sometimes it seems like I'm the only one struggling with this process of letting go.
How did my parents actually do that?
I come from a family of five children. It was always busy at home. There was always someone at home, guaranteed. Five sisters who are each other's best friends, so there was constant chatting, but if there was a fight, it didn't pass quietly either. There was always noise in the house. Until the moment we suddenly all moved out. Now my parents are lucky that we all live nearby, and we often drop by unexpectedly (strangely enough usually at the same time as another sister), so it's still not completely quiet. Maybe it's not the best comparison material. But still, they also experienced the moments of ‘the first time going out’ and in the case of my oldest sister, mobile phones were really not that common back then. And yet it turned out fine. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we can communicate much more with each other nowadays, all day long? Sharing locations and even seeing grades before your son or daughter comes home, upset about that insufficient grade for economics, but not mentioning it yet because they don't feel like talking about it right away, which then causes you as a parent to distrust whether your child is always honest. Does it actually matter, a little white lie for the greater good?
What is the best thing to do? This is what researchers say about it
Not surprisingly: research shows that it is really best to let your child make their own choices. By supporting them in making their own choices, their self-confidence and sense of responsibility are increased. This does not detract from the bond you have with your child. Communication remains important, but make sure that no judgments come into play. Only give advice when asked, so your child also feels that they can come to you just to vent. There is one caveat: you shouldn't just hand over that responsibility to them overnight. By gradually placing responsibility on your child, they learn to be resilient and come up with their own solutions. As long as you keep telling your child how and what to do, there is no need for them to think for themselves. And well, then the blow is all the greater when the moment of moving out arrives.
Source: Dutch Youth Institute, NJI.nl
