Love & Sex

Does the ‘death’ of romcoms also mean the death of our dating behavior?

By
A young couple, a man and a woman, gaze intensely at each other on a sports field, illustrating the young love, vulnerability, and direct connection of classic romcoms, in contrast to modern dating behavior.

The early 2000s romcoms hold a special place in my heart. Whether you’re talking about Wanneer Harry Sally Ontmoette, You’ve Got Mail or Notting Hill – I could watch them every day. And that’s not so strange when you consider that those films raised us, but somewhere along the way we lost those lessons. The magic is gone from modern romantic films. The cinema made way for dating apps, and instead of Hugh Grant, we now get “hey, are you still awake?” at half past midnight. Is that a coincidence? I think not. And neither does Reese Witherspoon: according to her, rom-coms used to teach us how love works. Without those films, we’ve forgotten the rules a bit. So that raises the question: does the death of rom-coms also mean the death of our dating behavior?

What we learned from 2000s rom-coms

Yes, dear people. I’m afraid it really is that way. And no, this has nothing to do with my nostalgic feelings for classic rom-coms. It’s just a fact that most new variants don’t compare to the original. Reese knows all about this. She starred in films like Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama and Four Christmases, so yes, she really knows what she’s talking about. Her words in the podcast with Dax Shepard made me think: “You know how there are fewer and fewer rom-coms being made lately? And not just films, but also series. Those series you watched when you were 11, 12, or 13, which made you fantasize about dating and taught you how it works.” Why is that? According to Reese, because we’ve started to find rom-coms ‘cringey’. One day, planet Earth decided we didn’t want sugary love stories anymore. Everything had to be realistic, and we had to stop romanticizing everything. That also meant the end of our love lessons: “Actually, we learned the social dynamics of love from those films. From Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, we learned how that game is played.”

And she is absolutely right about that. Rom-coms taught us timing, vulnerability, and courage. How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days showed how far you can go for attention – and when you really go too far. The Holiday taught that it’s okay to let go of everything for a moment and dare to be yourself. Bridget Jones taught us that you can follow your heart, even if your mascara runs. All those films taught us how not to come across as a desperate teenager, how to flirt, argue, and make up ninety minutes later. And you really don’t see those lessons reflected in most brand-new productions anymore.

Do we (and especially young people) know how to do it without these lessons?

I can imagine that as a 12-year-old, you wouldn’t just put on an old rom-com by yourself. Why While You Were Sleeping watch when you can see the latest Marvel movie? As a kid, you’re not interested in all those lovey-dovey faces. But that does mean that as a teenager, you hardly learn how to date. In a time of super-fast TikTok videos and porn (yes, teenagers really watch this), adolescents often don’t know what it’s really about anymore. Men like Andrew Tate proclaim that women are submissive and teach young boys crazy, egocentric, and misogynistic things. Of course, young people today have all the means to learn how it should be. Almost all old films – and plenty of educational resources – can be found online, but they usually don’t go looking for that. They want a quick fix: “This is how you should date” and done.

And what is the result? A dating culture in which ghosting, breadcrumbing, and “situationships” are normal. No one has patience anymore for a slow burn relationship where people take months to get to know each other. Everyone wants instant love, or at least instant dopamine. Swipe, match, ghost, repeat. The romantic skills we used to learn from Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? Vanished. Without these films as examples, young people often don’t know how to make a real connection. Approaching someone in real life is so much different than sending a message to a match.

Films that teach teenagers (and secretly us too) how to do it right

Okay, there you are. You know it has to be different. But how? Well, if you’ve read this far, then you know the answer: watch 2000s rom-coms. So parents, grab those kids by the collar and sit them on the couch with an old classic. Or do you not see the forest for the digital Tinder trees? Then you can also pay attention. From these films, you will learn how to date:

How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days (Prime Video and APPLE TV)

Lesson: Timing, keep laughing, and learn when to go for attention and when not to. In this film, you see how by being overly enthusiastic and trying to manipulate someone, you actually achieve the opposite. So you should never present yourself as someone you’re not. There’s no point in acting macho or fitting exactly into the picture of your future partner. It teaches you to set boundaries, how to grab someone’s attention, and what goes too far.

The Holiday (Disney+, Prime Video, APPLE TV and SkyShowtime)

Lesson: love can really come unexpectedly, and you should be willing to step out of your comfort zone for it.. You learn from Amanda and Iris’s previous relationships that you really shouldn’t fall for bad behavior. A partner who only gives you breadcrumbs and never wants to get serious has no chance of success. Love can, like for Amanda and Iris, come from an unexpected corner. And yes, those people may not fit into your ideal world at first sight, but that’s why you should take the chance. If it doesn’t work out? Then you tried. But maybe this is just the match for you. And how Miles treats Iris? That’s just too sweet. He is there for Iris, and Graham shows what it means to be a gentleman. And especially that men can also express their feelings.

He’s Just Not That into You (Prime Video)

Lesson: recognizing signals and standing up for yourself. As the title says, you learn in this film that not everyone is the one. Some signals may indicate a quick fix or short affair, but no real interest. You learn to deal with mixed signals and how to respond to rejection. And most importantly: how to ask someone for clarity or give it yourself.

Love Actually (Prime Video and APPLE TV)

Lesson: Love can be complicated, but you should still go for it. Okay, okay, now you shouldn’t suddenly declare your love to your best friend’s girlfriend, but there are certainly lessons to be learned. Like that secret affairs always end badly and that love is a feeling you should go for, like Jamie and Aurelia who don’t even speak each other’s language and still fall in love.

You’ve Got Mail (Prime Video and APPLE TV)

Lesson: a real connection takes time. Yes, even if you actually hate each other, love can arise. In this age of online dating, you must realize that it takes time to establish a real connection. You need to communicate, share interests, and respect each other. Only after you’ve known each other for a while do you know what you have in each other. And only then do you know if it’s real or just a fling.

Bridget Jones's Diary (Prime Video, Netflix and APPLE TV)

Lesson: always be yourself and have a little self-deprecation. Bridget constantly tried to change herself, but Mark Darcy? He saw her for who she really was. “I like you very much. Just as you are.” Yes, then you just swoon, right? So you know it: always be yourself. Don’t bend over backwards to fit into a box for that one person. Someone should love you as you are. And then you can really laugh at how you are. Without a little fun, you won’t get far.

10 Dingen die ik niet leuk aan je vind (Disney+, Prime Video and APPLE TV)

Lesson: flirting, timing, being honest, and setting your boundaries. Don’t participate in stupid bets to prove something; you only hurt people with it. And the film teaches you that you shouldn’t judge someone too quickly. Maybe that one nerd or ‘loner’ is really nice, but he’s just shy. Be honest and don’t judge a book by its cover. Then you’re already well on your way.

Wanneer Harry Sally Ontmoette (Prime Video and APPLE TV)

Lesson: friendship is the foundation for a lasting relationship. Look, attraction must certainly be there, but if you don’t really like each other, it won’t work. A partner should be your best friend: the one you can always laugh with, who supports you, and knows how to comfort you. A friendship is nine times out of ten a good basis for the best marriages.

So, you know it: go watch some old rom-coms and then return to the dating circuit. And when you finally score the one, you can share your lessons with the next generation. They will need it in the coming years in this digital society.