What to say and not to say to a friend with an eating disorder

Choose the right moment

Not nice: “Why don't you just eat this?” (During mealtime, with the whole friend group at the table)
Nice: “Shall we go for a walk together later? I want to discuss something with you.”

It starts with choosing a good moment. Eating is already a stressful time for someone with an eating disorder. Add a difficult conversation to it and it won't get any more pleasant. So go out together, preferably one-on-one. This way, there is hardly any distraction and you can talk without judgment.

Name what you see

Not nice: “You're really eating unhealthy, this has to stop.”
Nice: “I've noticed that you've been skipping meals often lately and I'm a bit worried.”

By immediately passing judgment, someone can quickly feel attacked and build a wall around themselves. The emphasis is then placed heavily on what is ‘wrong’, instead of showing that you care. Point out what has changed in your friend and how this affects you. Not physically, but in her personality and habits, of course. This way, there is more room for a conversation instead of an attacking and a defensive party.

Dare to show something of yourself

Not nice: “I know exactly what you mean, I feel that way sometimes when I feel fat.”
Nice: “I can relate a bit to that insecurity about yourself.”

Saying that you ‘completely understand’ someone is actually never helpful. You never fully know what someone feels (unless you've had an eating disorder yourself) and why, especially not with someone who has an eating disorder. These words can make her feel like you don't take her seriously. Showing her that she is not the only one, on the other hand, can make your conversation flow more smoothly.

Don't label it

Not nice: “I think you have anorexia.”
Nice: “I see that you're having a hard time with eating and with yourself.”

Many people with disordered eating don't tick all the boxes for anorexia or bulimia, for example. This can lead them to doubt whether they are just being dramatic. Moreover, diagnoses are for people who have spent years studying medicine, not for friends. By keeping it open, you invite someone to share what is going on themselves and there isn't immediately a period at the end. And your friend probably doesn't want a label stuck on her at all.

Speak from yourself

Not nice: “You've been acting really weird lately.”
Nice: “I'm worried about you.”

When you address someone with ‘you’, it quickly sounds like an accusation. That pointing finger can make someone feel attacked and go on the defensive. By using the 'I' form, you show that it's about your feelings and not her actions. All for that safe atmosphere.

Offer help, but absolutely don't force anything

Not nice: “You really need to see a psychologist, this can't go on any longer.”
Nice: “How can I help you?” or “I'm happy to go with you if you want to talk to someone.”

Forcing help often backfires. Someone has to be ready to accept help themselves, otherwise it all makes no sense. By showing what is possible and being with someone, you provide support without that unpleasant pressure. This increases the chance that someone will eventually dare to take that exciting step.

Check yourself

Not nice: “I'm really going crazy from this, why are you being so difficult?”
Nice: “I want to be there for you, even if I don't always understand it.”

Frustration is understandable (especially if she doesn't want to go to that one new restaurant), but if that is what shines through the most, your friend will never feel understood. She would have preferred not to have the eating disorder, and her behavior does not come from unwillingness, but from something deeper. By reading up a bit (like you are doing now), it becomes easier to place her behavior and respond with understanding. Showing that you are there for her without judgment is oh so important. That brings back that piece of trust.

Stay hopeful (even if it takes a while)

Not nice: “You've been in this for so long, when will it stop?”
Nice: “I really believe it can get better, even if it may not feel that way right now.”

Recovery from an eating disorder can take a long time and often comes with ups and downs. Statements like these can make someone feel guilty or, worse, hopeless. Hopeful words actually give strength and put things in perspective. It shows that you believe in recovery, even if she doesn't at the moment.

Accept that she may not be ready yet

Not nice: “If you don't seek help now, I don't want to hear about it anymore.”
Nice: “If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here.”

Not everyone is immediately ready to seek help or even acknowledge that there is a problem. Putting pressure can make her push you away, and that's the last thing you want. Sometimes being patient is exactly what is needed to eventually take that step later.

Watch your own actions and words

Not nice: “I really need to go on a diet.” or “If you think you're fat, what do you think of me?”
Nice: “What do you feel like eating?”

Comments about weight or dieting are one of the biggest triggers. This way, you can double her negative thoughts in less than a second. You don't have to revolve everything around food immediately; neutral language is already good.

An eating disorder is complicated, erratic, and often difficult to understand from the outside. But your presence, patience, and genuine interest can make a difference. Support doesn't necessarily come in perfectly formulated sentences, but also just in showing that you're not going anywhere. You don't have to fix her. You just have to be there. And for heaven's sake, don't try to force it.