Why it really is OK to ‘break up’ with an annoying girlfriend
You know the drill: that friendship that has been going smoothly for years suddenly feels... heavy. Where before you were laughing, listening and complementing each other, now you notice it's mostly draining. Conversations suddenly revolve around her, she no longer laughs at your jokes and there is a bit of an uneasy atmosphere. You adapt, swallow things, appease arguments and try to talk about it, but to no avail. Notice that this isn't what it used to be? Then it's hard to leave anyway. You don't want to drop anyone who might be struggling, and you are loyal: you've been friends for years, why suddenly stop? Because ‘breaking up’ with a friend might sound so dramatic? But what if you're actually just hurting yourself? And how do you neatly end a friendship? Dare to choose for yourself. Here's why you really don't need to host anyone, but can honestly break up with an annoying friend.
Why you should choose for yourself
A friendship should not be a constant effort where you are always the one who has to water down and get into all sorts of corners. Respect comes from both sides. If you're still hanging on the phone at 11 o'clock at night to help her through a break-up, but she doesn't even bother to send you an app, that's the end of it.
That feeling often creeps in slowly. Not after one argument, but after the umpteenth time that you are the one who listens. Who understands. Who smooths things over. You find yourself preparing conversations, thinking about how to say something so as not to make her angry. And meanwhile, you increasingly ask yourself: when was the last time she was really there for me? A friendship may sometimes take effort, but it should never feel as if you are the one carrying everything. If you structurally give more than you receive, it is not strange that you feel empty. That is not a sign that you tolerate too little, but that you have given too much for too long. So yes: you absolutely must really choose for yourself. You don't feel like this anymore, do you?
No more excuses
“But she is struggling” is not a licence. I understand that you get stuck on this, but someone's situation is not an excuse to treat others badly. Of course you want to be there for her, but if she treats you so low, you are allowed to think something about that. And most importantly, you are allowed to draw a line there. Difficult circumstances sometimes explain behaviour, but they do not justify it. Certainly not when you take the blows time and again, while nothing changes.
If she never says sorry after an argument, never reflects and never tries to make amends, then the responsibility for the friendship lies entirely with you. And that is simply too much for one person. You don't have to keep waiting for someone else to take responsibility. You have a limit and it stops there.
You just have to be honest
Look, let's stop pretending for a moment that we always have to nuance everything. If a friend is structurally nasty to you, belittles you, ignores you or gets angry as soon as you set a boundary, you are allowed to think something about it. That is annoying behaviour. And no, you don't have to make up endless explanations for that. Being fair does not mean sparing someone at your expense. It means naming what is happening and what it is doing to you. That you say that the friendship no longer feels right. That it is no longer equal. That you don't want it to continue like this. It's just right to say what's going on. Then that person also knows what is going wrong and can learn from it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't host. Ghosting seems easy, but is actually avoidance. Whereas saying what is going on - however uncomfortable it may be - actually provides clarity. You don't have to have the conversation perfectly, nor does it necessarily have to be face-to-face if that feels too exciting. Calling is allowed. Emailing is allowed. As long as it's clear. The other person doesn't have to like it, but needs to know where she stands. Because distancing yourself without explanation feels vague to everyone, while being honest - however confrontational - is ultimately the most mature thing.
So yes: it is definitely okay to ‘break up’ with an annoying girlfriend. Choose for yourself; there are so many nicer people in the world you can give your attention to. It's her loss, not yours.
