JET & LIESbeth’s Death defying trip to PARIS FASHION WEEK
Friday morning 10 am, feeling courageous and cheerful Jet and I step into our on rental stick shift car, en route to Paris for two days of fashion week. I had already told Jet that I was no roadrunner, more of a deer in the headlights type of driver. Or should I say, on the road as the driver of a stick shift car. I haven’t actually driven a stick shift in the last 5 years, down right refused to so. I’m fine in an automatic, you can send me just about anywhere, no problem, but the idea of changing gears with a stick shift turns my stomach, so I’ve made numerous excuses throughout the last few years and jumped through hoops just to not have to drive one. So why I agreed to driving this particular weekend is a mystery to me.
What happened? Everything was fine as we drove away. Jet behind the wheel (her last time behind a stick shift was at least 10 years ago), with me next to her, ’90’s music blaring and off we went. After 1.5 hours we switched places. With a lot of muttering and protesting involved I took my place behind the wheel and eventually got the car into reverse, then with the engine huffing and puffing got the car from 1st to 2nd and from to 3rd to 4th and 5th gear – done, it was all downhill from there.
Until we got near the Périférique, better known as the ring road of Paris. The Périférique is actually one gigantic junction with thousands of off ramps, tunnels and other such things coming off it, and of course we got stuck in a monstrous traffic jam. A traffic jam in a tunnel. A long dark tunnel with no light visible at the end.
I hate tunnels. And I totally hate being stuck in a traffic jam IN a tunnel because you need to shift gears, IN a tunnel, IN a traffic jam. The problem is not going from 1 to 2 and so on, the problem is getting from neutral to 1st gear. From standing still to driving. Putting the clutch down and then pressing the gas pedal down, just hard enough, I just can’t do it. The result was a growling engine, squealing tyres, just missing the car in front of me while keeping the engine from stalling. Those who do not have car-fears will never understand but I got so freaked out, I ended up having a panic attack.
“JET I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE, I DON’T WANT TO.”
“Lies stay calm, you can, it will be fine. Keep your distance and keep her rolling. Just keep it moving.”
“NO, NO, NO I CAN’T, THE ENGINE IS GOING TO bBLOW OUT, IT’S ALL GOING WRONG.”
“No, No, No keep going. Caaaalm down. You’re doing fine.”
“I’M GETTING OUT. OR TAKING ALL MY CLOTHES OFF. I’M SO HOT.”
“Keep going, gently, that’s it, we’re almost at the exit and I’ll take over from there.”
“OPEN A WINDOW, I CAN’T BREATH, I WANT OUT, I’M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN.”
“Lies, opening a window in a tunnel is not a good idea”
“I DON’T CARE, I’VE HAD IT! I’M NEVER EVER DOING THIS AGAIN”
And so it continued. I eventually took the exit my hands and legs shaking and tears pouring down my cheeks. Jet told me later on that she was seriously worried I was going to jump out of the car and walk down the middle of the highway, a scenario that had crossed my mind.
Jet took over driving. After two more lefts and one right we finally got to our hotel with me refusing to drive another mile. Then we had to park, there was no way I was going to be the one to do that! So Jet got behind the wheel. That’s when it happened. We realized we were driving down the wrong road and decided to do a U-turn, but Jet could not get the car in reverse. The engine died, again and again and again and finally Jet freaked out and said, “LIES I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE”. In the mean time a city bus had pulled over on the left side of the road, and a huge row of cars had formed on the right, all hooting and gesturing for us to move. All this pressure had the opposite effect on Jet’s nerves who was now sitting in the car quite stiffly.
And then out of nowhere a man came running towards us and gestured for Jet to get out, she did, so now I’m suddenly sitting in the car with a complete stranger who had decided to be our hero. It was crazy. Jet got back behind the wheel, still shaking with fear and we decided to stay where we were for a while, smoke 800 cigarettes and then head for the hotel bar to order very expensive glasses of wine, “because we deserve it.” Later on we found out that we didn’t even need to drive down that fucking road, because the car had been standing g IN FRONT OF THE HOTEL all along!
Two wonderful days in Paris followed , but every time we think about our roadtrip our nerves kick in. I’d tell you all about the trip back, but it took 12 hours. Jet once again the victim of a panic attack, mayhem and possible multiple accidents. We now know for sure that we will never, ever, EVER drive a stick shift again.
To be continued…..
