Things men shouldn’t do in bed

Not one week goes by without a girlfriend hanging on the telephone or WhatsApp, filling me in on their most recent sex adventure with no holds barred, about what they enjoyed, and what they hated. Woman tell each other everything, so far nothing new, but I actually think it’s a waste that this information never reaches the man somehow so he can improve. So I took this too my girlfriends and asked their advice “what should men never do in bed?” Women, pass this on to your men and men, study this list carefully.

The worst thing ever, unanimously decided was “if he pushes my head downwards as a hint for a blow job.” And ooooh yes that is the WORST ever. Dude, can we decide if and when we feel like doing this? We won’t forget that this is your favourite thing on the menu, and besides we don’t hate doing it. Only not always and sometimes definitely not. You might find this irritating but you know, you’ll just have to deal with it. Besides the average man is not all too generous when it comes to ‘going down’ either, so tit for tat.

Dude, can we decide if and when we feel like doing that?

Let’s stay in the blow job department for a moment, because another thing that is more irritating than turn on is when a man places his hands on your head during a session, and then fanatically guides the rhythm by pushing your head up and down, and if you’re really lucky goes so wild that he is in fact f*cking your head. Not cool at all.

Then to close this category, thanking us for the blow job, is not required. And yes that happens, softly whispering in your ear “thank you, thank you.” Meant lovingly, but we are doing this thing together aren’t we? Why do we need to thank each other? It implies that the women in question is making an offering and that is not the kind of vibe we want in bed.

Then, we would prefer not getting the impression that you think we’re dirty. A girlfriend once told me that her ex always jumped out of bed IMMEDIATELY after sex, washed his hands twice and then before he got back in bed, rubbed two pumps of disinfectant on his hands from the gigantic pot standing on his bedside table. True story.

“ooh yes yes yes suck it like the clappers!”

Watch what you say. A certain amount of stimulating language and dirty talk can be fun, but there are somethings we don’t want to hear. A girlfriend once was rewarded with the following peppy line during a blow job “ooh yes yes yes suck it like the clappers!”. Another one that was was consistently called ‘mommy’ and he referred to himself as ‘daddy’, “is mommy coming nicely like daddy, darling?”

Screaming out of bed. Furthermore we do not get excited by you constantly asking if you’re doing it right, if we like it, should it be harder or softer or more left or right? Dude, let it happen.

The idea of softly and lovingly kissing the neck is very attractive but it does go wrong sometimes. What we get is the ear-slobberer and that, is not fun. That smacking slobbering sound in your ear gives us goosebumps for all the wrong reasons.

Then lastly, something many of the questioned persons came out with: farting. Seems fairly clear to me.