Fun & Famous
questions that shouldn’t be asked
And how the hell do you answer them?
I was visiting friends the other day and we were talking about their new house. Their new owner-occupied house. It all sounded amazing, their own little nest, bought with their own money. “What did it cost?” I wanted to know. Not for gossip, but just so I had an idea of the costs and see if I would be able to buy my own. “Enough,” was the answer. A crappy, worthless answer of course. But as soon as I asked the question, I knew that it would be filed under my many infamous rude questions. People don’t like to talk about money.
So there you have it, I’m a rude question asker and I actually couldn’t care one tiny bit. I like to get to the bottom of things and understand how things work – a useful quality if you want to write a decent report on a certain subject. I like to dig and see if and what kind of hidden gems I find. An old friend of mine says that I’m the honorary member – and only member for that matter – of the Pushy Question Club. So whoever comes up to me with the same kind of curiosity, just know that I will give you a straight up answer. I don’t care.
“Aren’t I entitled to crack the money code? Or do my friends think I don’t deserve to know?”
Even though I like to ask a lot, I’m not stupid. I get that people don’t find certain questions appropriate. I try to keep that in mind, but the force is stronger than me. So what kind of questions should you avoid?
Money
Nobody likes to talk about money. How much a house costs, how much money you make, what your hourly rate is. Money is a no go area. But how on earth am I supposed to find out what I should be asking for a certain service if nobody wants to be my sounding board? And how unfair is it that I dream of a certain home that my friends bought, a home that I think is in the same price range that I (we) can afford, which actually turns out to cost three times as much when I find the listing online? How do they do that? Aren’t I entitled to crack the money code? Or do my friends think I don’t deserve to know?
Babies
“So, when are you going to have babies?” It’s the most annoying question people can ask you when you’re around the age of 30. Probably because you’re not quite sure yet if you want any kids at all. And what makes matters even worse is that the answer – or better yet, the expectation – has already been decided for you: people just assume that you want kids. This is the only topic I make sure to handle with care though. Experience has taught me that some women have been trying to get pregnant for years without succeeding. Or that they are waiting for their prince charming to help make offspring, even though they are infertile. Such a question is like adding salt to an open wound. It brings you a lot of sadness that you might not want to talk about at a get-together. I get it. But if you want to talk about it: I’d like to hear more about it.
“If you already have an amazing dog, you don’t get another one just because the first one turned out so great now do you?”
Family expansion
“So, when are you expecting another one?” See paragraph under ‘babies’. Not everybody wants a house, two kids and a family car in the driveway. Just like me: I don’t want another baby. I already have a kid. Whenever someone asks me if I want another, I say: “If you already have an amazing dog, you don’t get another one just because the first one turned out so great now do you?” Woops, did I just compare kids to dogs? Yup, I did. And so the convo ended right there and then.
Marriage
“So, when are you getting married?” This is one of those questions I love asking, just for fun. I don’t believe in the constitute of marriage, nor have I ever dreamed of a guy going down on one knee or pictured myself in a wedding gown. A lot of my friends are on the same page as I am, but sometimes one of those bridezillas overhears the question and can’t stop herself. Apparently he never popped the question, which in her mind shows a lack of interest or commitment. Or they put a stop to the wedding plans because one of them wanted a prenup, which the other person saw as a sign of mistrust. Long story short: it’s a touchy subject.
Sex
A friend of mine told me that her boyfriend had a new colleague at work. Someone that had Asperger’s Syndrome, so he doesn’t always know what’s appropriate or not. After a couple of weeks this new colleague asked my friend J. if he had ever had anal sex. A legitimate question that can somewhat surprise you during your morning coffee break. “No, because my penis is too big,” J. answered. A legitimate answer that can also somewhat surprise you during your morning coffee break.
“It turns out that he was pretty scared of the question and came up with a politically correct answer”
I like to talk about sex as much as I like to write about it, so I’ll just ask the first thing that comes to mind. I was walking home through a park late at night with a friend and I wanted to know if he ever had sex in a park. He squeaked out a hesitant ‘no’, when I was already onto the next subject. It turns out that he was pretty scared of the question and came up with a politically correct answer because he feared that I would’ve nailed him to a tree and taken advantage of him right then and there. But I think that has more to do with his pretty confident level of self worth.
Either way: feel free to ask. But what answer is there for when you don’t feel like answering and can’t use small talk to get out of it? Well, it’s simple: Just say “wouldn’t you like to know?” with a big smile, and move on to the next subject. I hardly ever use it, only when I feel it really isn’t the right time for that question, but it works like a charm. They won’t bother asking you again.
Text: Kalinka Hählen
