You are over 21, pretty okay with life as it is, but not with the fact that you have never had sex in your life. It happens, it occurs. But what do you do then? Do you desperately search for a wild one night stand? Do you resort to paid love? Do you ask your best friend for a night of benefits? It can happen, it occurs. What can also happen is hiring someone to deflower you. Seriously.

This week, Jet sent me a website of a man, Andre, who offers himself to virgin women to be their first time. Sounds crazy? It is. But not for Andre, for him it is serious business. He finds it terrible that for many women, deflowering was not such a pleasant event, with a man they later have no love for. The first time is almost always painful, clumsy, and awkward, and that bothered Andre so much that he presents himself as The Perfect Deflowerer.

Do you still think you are reading a figment of my imagination? Not at all. Andre has a real website (deflowering.org) where he explains exactly how the process works, and that text is at least as hysterical and entertaining as the babbles and scribbles of our crazy Jacobien. A summary.

Do you still think you are reading a figment of my imagination? Not at all.

The condition is that you are over 21 (quite a relief) and that you are still a virgin. “You feel that you are ready and have the expressed desire to make your deflowering a pleasant memory.” Then Andre will tell a bit about himself. He is not a macho, not a Chippendale, not a gigolo “and also not a muscular porn star with a big thick penis.” No, none of that. Andre is a “very ordinary athletic man of 44 years.” He has dark blonde hair, gray-blue eyes, is 1.80 tall, and weighs 75 kilos. He lives in Apeldoorn and is “a passionate lover of giving a Tantra massage.” He enjoys a glass of wine for the company and is an emotional person (an emotional person!) who greatly appreciates the songs of Stef Bos and has a positive outlook on life. He also mentions that he has a “normal penis” and that he is sterilized. Just so you know.

Okay, then the question, how on earth does this all work? It comes down to the fact that you determine everything, because Andre, the nice guy, wants everything to be super duper pleasant and easy for you. Therefore, he first arranges a meeting with you. If that all goes well, a new appointment is made for The Deflowering. That happens in a luxury hotel and can last a whole day, everything in its own time. “However we do it, you are always in control and can determine everything at the moment you want.”

And then we come to the core of the matter. Once agreed, the evening begins with a “hygiene ritual” where you will wash and clean each other extensively (“if you prefer to keep your hair and face dry, that is of course allowed”) because that is quite pleasant. After that follows a two-hour relaxation massage “to let you be pampered boundlessly by me.” He will explain all sorts of things about chakras and erogenous zones, so it is also super educational how incredibly mega cool that is!

Then it is time for your deflowering. “I will penetrate you gently and respectfully, so that you do not experience any unpleasant pain. You may indicate whether I may penetrate further or deeper.” YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP. And then comes my favorite sentence. The most beautiful sentence ever. A sentence with which you can open a novel. Here it comes: ‘maybe your vagina needs to get used to the new visitor.“ THE NEW VISITOR! I am not making this up! Not at all!

I read this with flapping ears and just don't know what to do with it.

You won't find anything crazier than this, right? And it continues because “after that you will experience for the first time what it is like when a man comes inside you.” Because that is also very special and you naturally want to experience that well. Right. After the act, you will shower and clean again and “to conclude, I will stroke you to give the remaining energy a place and to bring your body back to a state of rest.”

I read this with flapping ears and just don't know what to do with it. There are also a number of reviews from ladies who went before you, and those are quite ridiculous too. Has all this sparked your interest? Andre does not ask for money for his services, the only thing you pay for are the costs for the hotel and the restaurant. Look, live and let live, but let's not call each other names and just say it like it is: this is very, very strange.