Until we got near the périférique, the ring road of Paris. That périférique is actually a gigantic junction with a thousand tunnels, exits, and other scary stuff, and of course, we ended up in one of those monstrous traffic jams. A traffic jam in a tunnel. Such a long dark tunnel where you can't see the end.
I don't like tunnels. And I especially don't like being stuck in traffic IN a tunnel because then you have to shift IN a tunnel IN a traffic jam. Look, the problem isn't going from 1 to 2 and higher, the problem is going from neutral to 1. From standstill to driving. Letting the clutch come up and then just in time giving just enough gas, I just can't do it. The result was that I was growling and jolting through that tunnel, always just barely not crashing into the car in front and always just barely not stalling the engine. Those unfamiliar with car anxieties will never understand this, but I became so terribly scared that I ended up in a total panic attack.
“JET I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I DON'T WANT THIS”
“Lies stay calm, you can do it, really it will be fine. Just keep a little distance and make sure you keep rolling. Just keep rolling.”
“NO NO NO IT'S NOT WORKING THE ENGINE IS GOING TO STALL IT'S ALL GOING WRONG.”
“No no just keep rolling. Take it easy. It's going fine.”
“I'M GETTING OUT. OR I'M TAKING OFF ALL MY CLOTHES. I'M SO HOT.”
“Just keep rolling, nicely done, we're almost at the exit and then I'll take over.”
“A WINDOW HAS TO BE OPEN I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I WANT OUT I'M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN.”
“Lies, opening a window in a tunnel is not such a good idea” – “I DON'T CARE I CAN'T BREATHE ANYMORE I'M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN NEVER NEVER NEVER”
And so it went on. With trembling hands and legs and tears almost bursting from my head, I sputtered and growled towards the exit. Jet later said she was mostly afraid that I would actually get out of the car and start walking in the middle of the highway, a scenario that indeed often crossed my mind.
As mentioned, Jet would take over the wheel. After two left turns and one right turn, we were actually almost at the hotel, but I refused to drive another meter and besides, we had to park, which I absolutely wasn't going to do. So Jet at the wheel. And then it happens, we drive into a road, see that we're going the wrong way, decide to make a U-turn, and then Jet can't get the car in reverse anymore. The engine stalls, again and again and again, and then all the fuses blow for Jet too and she says “LIES IT'S NOT WORKING.” Meanwhile, a city bus is approaching on the left, we see on the right that there's now a huge line of cars honking waiting for us, and all that pressure and stimuli work against Jet, she can do NOTHING but sit frozen in that car.
And then out of nowhere, a man comes running who gestures for Jet to get out, which she does, and then I'm suddenly left with a complete stranger in the car who helps us get back on track. It was really too crazy. Jet gets back behind the wheel and trembling and shaking with fear, we throw the car somewhere into a parking spot, smoke 800 cigarettes, and then crash onto the hotel bar and order €15 wine “because we deserve it.” Later it turned out that we didn't even need to take that fucking road because the switch between me and Jet happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE HOTEL ENTRANCE. Now I ask you.
Then two lovely days in Paris follow but every time we think about the return trip, the nerves kick in again. How that return trip went, I will tell you tomorrow, but I will already reveal that it took us about 12 hours, Jet became a victim of a panic attack, we almost caused multiple accidents, and that we both will never EVER drive a manual car again.
To be continued.
Curious how this ended? Read part two here.
