Things men should NEVER do in bed

Not a week goes by without me having a girlfriend on the phone or on WhatsApp who tells me in vivid detail about her latest sexual encounter and what was so great about it, and what was terrible about it. Women tell each other EVERYTHING, so far nothing new, but it's actually a shame that this information doesn't reach men or reaches them less because that way, there can never be improvement. So I consulted my girlfriends and asked them, “What should men NEVER do in bed?” Women, pass this on to your men and men, study this list carefully.

What was unanimously called terrible was “when he pushes my head down as a hint for oral sex.'.”And oh indeed, that is the ABSOLUTE worst ever. Dude, can we decide for ourselves if and when we feel like it? We really don't forget you, we know it's your favorite on the menu and by the way, we don't mind it either. Just not always and sometimes not at all. You might find that annoying, but you know, you just have to deal with it. Moreover, the average man is also not very generous when it comes to going down so yeah, quid pro quo.

Dude, can we decide for ourselves if and when we feel like it?

Let's stay in the oral department because what is often more annoying than sexy is when the man puts his hands on your head during oral sex and then enthusiastically starts indicating the rhythm by pushing your head up and down, and if you're really lucky, he gets so into it that he's actually just fucking your head. Not cool at all.

And finally in this category, we also don't want to be thanked for the oral sex. And yes, that really happens, softly whispering in your ear, “thank you, thank you.” It might be meant sweetly and kindly, but aren't we doing this kind of thing together? Why do you need to thank each other for something like that? It implies that it was some sort of sacrifice for the woman in question, and that's not exactly the vibe we want in bed.

Then, we prefer not to get the impression that you find us dirty. A girlfriend told me that her ex would always jump out of bed IMMEDIATELY after sex, wash his hands twice, and then before coming back to bed, he would take a few pumps from the gigantic bottle of disinfectant gel that was standard on his nightstand. True story.

“oooh yes yes YAAA suck it to a climax!‘

Pay a little attention to what you say. Some stimulating language and dirty talk can be really fun, but there are some things we really don't want to hear. A girlfriend once heard the uplifting phrase during oral sex, “oooh yes yes yes suck it to a climax!‘ Another one was consistently called ”mama‘ and he referred to himself as ’daddy‘, ’is mama coming to daddy, sweetheart?“ Screaming out of bed. Furthermore, we also don't feel very happy if you're constantly asking us if you're doing it right, if we like it, should it be a little harder or softer, just say it, a little more to the left, a little more to the right? Dude, let it happen.

The idea of softly and lovingly kissing your neck is really very attractive but it can sometimes go wrong. What we then get is ear slobbering and that, that is not fun. That smacking, slobbering sound in your ear gives us goosebumps for all the wrong reasons.

Lastly, something that many of the respondents said: farting. Seems clear to me.