What women do when they are alone

The concept of ‘Secret Single Behavior’ comes from thanks to Sex And The City and means something like “things you do alone, when no one can see, and certainly not your loved one.” SSB is not necessarily charming behavior, rather quite embarrassing, but as long as you live alone, no one is bothered by it and we happily continue. Do you live alone? Bet you’ve done this too…

Cleaning in the nude
Personal favorite: dancing naked with the music turned up loud (preferably something with boy bands) to the big clean-up to start. Sometimes for the sake of neighbors maybe wearing a little underwear, but the idea is that nudity is central. By the way, my best friend knows this, she has my house key and has walked in while I was vacuuming in my bare bottom. The trick is to first let your house become a total uncontrolled mess (which can happen when you live alone) and then to make everything neat and tidy all at once. And those photos, Jet and I are really going to bare it all. Especially for you.

Dining with an appetizer of Doritos and a main course of a tub of Ben & Jerry’s on a bed of speculaas
I have lived the first years of my life living on my own so intensely unhealthy, it’s hard to believe. But even now that I am somewhat grown up, I can have a perfectly fine evening alone with a bag of Doritos and dip and maybe some speculaas cookies for dessert.

By now I know several women who do this, so I dare to admit it, but I sometimes throw half a roll of cookies or something like that in the trash and then dump a splash of dish soap over it so that later
Meanwhile, I know several women who do this, so I dare to admit it, but I do sometimes throw half a roll of cookies or something like that in the trash, and then pour a splash of dish soap over it so that I don’t secretly eat it again later. I don’t secretly eat it again. I didn’t come up with this myself but stole it from Miranda from Sex and the City. I didn’t come up with this myself but stole it from Miranda from Sex And The City (there they are again) and the whole process goes exactly like in this clip.

Not changing towels / bedding for weeks
chronic singleness because Poes Disco sleeps cozily in bed with me. If there’s a nighttime visitor, I always change that bed super quickly and lie that my cat never sleeps in bed with me. Are you crazy? also always a patch of cat hair on the other pillow because Poes Disco then sleeps cozily with me in bed. If there happens to be a nighttime visitor, I always quickly change that bed and lie that my cat never sleeps with me in bed, are you crazy.

The same friend who regularly catches me naked while cleaning always praises my “vegetable projects.” As in: onions that suddenly grow whole trees,
The same friend who regularly catches me naked while cleaning always praises my “vegetable projects.” As in, onions that suddenly grow whole trees out of them, that stay way too long in the fridge and yogurt containers that are just about to walk out of the house on their own. Putting out a cigarette in the teabag or plate/glass/cup/whatever is handy.

Putting out a cigarette in the teabag or plate / glass / cup whatever is available.
Because ashtrays are sometimes not nearby and getting up is so exhausting. Especially the teabag is nice because then your cigarette makes such a pleasant hissing sound. Jet is always extremely pleased with herself when she puts it out in her green smoothie and then WhatsApps me proud photos with “look at the contrast!”

Using tissues and Christmas napkins as toilet paper
Farting and burping.

Just, when you’re bored, playing a bit in front of the mirror with your clothes and coming up with new combinations. And then taking photos with your phone so you can look back at everything later at your leisure.
Just, when you’re bored, playing a bit in front of the mirror with your clothes and coming up with new combinations. And then taking photos of them with your phone so you can look back at everything later at your leisure.

We conclude with my favorite;
lounging in the bathroom; . Accompanied by loud music, I then take hours to shower, shave my legs, use shower gels, put a mask in my hair and. Accompanied by loud music, I then shower for hours, shave my legs, use shower gel, put a mask in my hair and on my face, then apply body lotion, play with new Estée Lauder creams and serums, do a pedicure and manicure on myself and then very satisfied in my neatly tidied house (see point 1) with a glass of wine on the couch watching Sex And The City.