Baby showers, surprise parties, bachelorette parties

This is how you escape it

Clubs. I get slightly allergic reactions from them. Or as Liesbeth says: “Aall what women do in groups is actually immediately stupid.”

And yet people I really like do it too. Forming clubs. The running club, the book club of my friend Asjha (although Asjha is forgiven because she always calls her club WDL, which stands for Wisdom Through Reading, Warm Thick Dick), the cooking club, the movie club and, horror, the game club.

So that's where two or more couples meet to play games together. The burning purgatory seems more exciting to me. While I share this out loud with my colleagues, everyone looks on slyly. Liesbeth hosts game nights. Thank goodness with lots of drinks and wine (yes, that is a tautology) and not just with couples but Josselin, she does it too. ‘Just a friends’ night' that then turns into playing games. And Daan did it at Christmas too. Okay. I’ve lost my colleagues here for a moment.

‘doing assignments in Rotterdam’ followed by a lap dance course. Guys. Nobody likes this.

But we do find each other again at bachelorette parties, surprise parties, and baby showers. We all find those terrible. It starts with a created WhatsApp group that you are added to without asking and where you are bothered by every little thing. That can be okay, but then with daughter six to the orthodontist. Because ‘Can I leave this WhatsApp group’ sounds a bit rude, Liesbeth has a tip. You can turn off notifications in that group. Go to group info, go to custom notifications, and turn off notifications. Then you are not completely rid of the misery, but you won't be bothered every nanosecond.

Bachelorette days. Another thing. Ritual pig petting, flower arranging courses, ‘doing assignments in Rotterdam’ followed by a lap dance course. Guys. Nobody likes this. Nobody. Nobody.

Baby showers. Another one of those things. One of our editors whose name I will not mention has just escaped from a club. Everything was decided by two industrious types and all they had to do was transfer a hefty amount for the baby gift.

How do you survive and escape these kinds of activities?

Say that you really enjoy it but that you prefer to meet one-on-one with the bride, the expectant mother, or the almost birthday girl. You have so much to tell her that you would rather have some quality time with your friend. Let them know that you think everyone is really nice by organizing something fun for them on the day itself. Have a bottle of champagne delivered, wish everyone a nice day in the group chat, ask for a photo update, pick a nice welcome cocktail and offer that to everyone in the restaurant. Let them know that you don’t think they are stupid but that such a day is just not really your cup of tea.

Play the financial card. Say that you have so many bachelorette days that you have no money left for a dress and wedding gifts. So much honesty will be appreciated by everyone and you are free.

Play the time card. Write an honest email and say that you have so many weddings that you are almost overwhelmed. Say that you would love to be present at the dinner but that you need to use the day to be with your own husband and children. Or in case of no husband that you need to create order in your house, do your tax return because otherwise, you will really go crazy.

Be honest and loud. Often drop at random moments that you have nothing but absolutely nothing to do with bachelorette days, women’s gatherings, baby showers, and other misery and you will see; you will no longer be invited.

Really. Life can be so straightforward.