Fun & Famous
8X EMBARRASSING THINGS YOU JUST HAVE TO SAY
It feels like you’re flying. You’ve just nailed that meeting, you high-fived the boss at the door, and now you’re off on a hot date with your love. So you dive into the nearest little room for a touch-up. You grin at yourself in the mirror and then… Oh meine lieben, what the fuck is hanging there in the corner of your nose? A little something that really has nothing to do with anyone. As polished and irresistible as you thought you were, you looked like a fool. But why, really why, does no one whisper that in your ear?
I plopped down last week on the lounge at May’s for a quickie between brainstorms. And I saw her gaze drop a bit. This is what I thought in, let’s say, three seconds. Do I have mayo on my shirt (it was fatty Friday)? No, scan that out. A tear then, somewhere? Not that either. Is my belly fat hanging unattractively over my pants? No more than usual. And then she said it, just soft enough: ‘Uhm, is your fly open?‘ My eyes shot down to crotch level (even though I knew these pants had no zipper) and there I saw the bow of my pants curled in optical illusion. Thank God, no flashing but just an awkwardly formed loop. But can I get a round of applause for May? Who made me aware of my possibly unzipped fly? If she hadn’t done that, and it had indeed been the case, I would have made that discovery hours later. And you don’t want to know who I encountered in that little time (hello beautiful woman to be taken through a ring, hello important man with just as important a job, hello… hello…).
Yes, it feels a bit awkward when you point out an odor or leftover from a meal to someone, but how much more embarrassing is it for the person in question? Maybe he’s about to have a chat with the boss or she a high tea with her mother-in-law to be. So hand on it that you report these kinds of things? Thanks on behalf of all women (and yes, also men).
‘Uhm, is your fly open?’
1. Lipstick mishaps
You can assume that the ladies with painted lips didn’t have their teeth as the intended target. So you say, in a soft but audible volume: ‘You need to check your teeth.’ If someone then goes to scrub their front teeth with a finger, at least it wasn’t your fault.
2. What am I saying? Everything between your teeth
Hilarious, that green food trend. But after stringy meat, this does cause the most dropouts on the way in. Spinach between your front teeth, a bit of oregano in the base of your canine, and with a hearty laugh, your molar also reveals a reserve for the afternoon. I always tackle this myself. If I suspect there’s a stowaway left behind, I smile very broadly at my lunch colleague and murmur if there’s something between my teeth.
3. Out of your pantyhose
I was once with my best friend in Cyprus, along with fifty bachelor groups from the UK celebrating the last days of a single life. Catlam, of course, not us (ha). But then a British lady came out of the toilet, somewhat unsteadily wandering onto the dance floor. With her skirt (it wasn’t much) stuck in the back of her pantyhose. My friend made a supersonic sprint to save her from this embarrassment, and from that move, we ended up with twenty best British friends.
4. The fly
No matter how beautiful your lingerie or boxers are, flashing is done on your own time. I have about a hundred thousand grateful looks stored in my fly memory, because they are grateful. Yes, even that very important, high-ranking, strict man (maybe him the most). By the way, you say this softly and meanwhile look intently at a point above the shoulder. When it comes to zipping up, he doesn’t need your watchful eye.
5. A smell-odor
Okay, this one is tricky and you only say this to your inner circle. Read: people you care about and/or share a workplace with. If you are aware of your personal hygiene, you usually trace that unpleasant whiff yourself. But what if you’re team Snot and SMELL NOTHING. Then you pull out the helping deodorant.
6. Smint, anyone?
Hey, team garlic here (if we’re talking about teams). I loooove garlic. But yes, the morning after it smells like it shouldn’t, right? My love then says: ‘Just take a Smint.’ Look, then I know enough.
7. Hairy hair
I feel like a Golden Retriever this season. Our sales Annick was still plucking me on Friday. Hair everywhere. Really, how is there still some on my head? But such a blanket suits no one, so you wipe it off. And if you doubt the freshness of a person, you rub your own shoulder and say: ‘Do you have hairy hair too?’ Hint clear.
8. Nonsense
Everything that has to do with a nose and belongs there, but not outside. So, seems clear to me. One movement suffices. Just touch the tip of your nose with your hand and signal with your eyes. You want to understand this, and that’s why everyone gets it.
And from now on, you are the savior in embarrassing need a.k.a. a lifesaver. That makes you the hero of the day and everyone loves heroes. But above all, we will go through life zipped up and snot-free.
