Happy & Healthy

The question you should never ask

“Aren't you married?” “Never been?” “Never asked?” I get these questions at least once a day. The answers are no, no, and no again.

I have been with my beloved (whom I conveniently refer to as ‘my husband’) for almost fifteen years, we have three children and a house, and then people expect you to be married. Moreover, they go into a slight state of shock. And then, it comes.

I am asked why not. And that, dear people, is of course just as rude a question as why someone has no children. Perhaps there is great frustration and dissatisfaction bubbling over the fact that he has never knelt down. And you just casually bring that up while you were actually aiming for some genuine small talk.

That is not the case for me, but what I find at least as uncomfortable is being asked why not (why not, WHY not) and then I have to say that I don't really care for it. The bouquet, the corsages, the official who reduces your unique love to a two-dimensional speech, the photographer who shouts: ‘Friends of the bride first’ and: ‘Now all the women’; oh, I might not find it all uncomfortable but certainly a lot. Moreover, I know myself and one day I might just throw away a hefty annual salary. Do you know how many Chanel bags that is? My neighbor got married two months ago and had to pay a thousand euros for foreign spirits (read gin tonics) at the end of the evening. That’s ten thousand euros. On drinks.

Then I haven't even mentioned the dress, the ring, the photographer, and the invites, because if you’re going to do it, you want to do it right, and I haven't found the minimalist in me yet.

We once crossed out the option of marriage against living in Rome for half a year, also an ode to our love, and by now I also speak Italian.

But the real wedding zealots are not satisfied with this and keep asking. And then it happens. Suddenly, I find myself saying all sorts of unkind things, because the questioner is of course from Team Marriage and has neatly ticked off everything I just brushed aside. While I didn’t ask for it. And that makes the subject of marriage even more complicated for me.

Shall we agree not to ask each other about it anymore? And if it ever does happen, we tell each other right away? Nice.