Happy & Healthy

IF YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE

by Marion Pauw

Yesterday I wrote a blog about why it is so intense when your partner turns out to have someone else. Today the other side: what if you fall in love with someone else? Yes, Aunt Marion has experienced it all herself. I have been cheated on, I have cheated, and I have also been the mistress. In that respect, I can call myself a 360-degree expert.

I read a great quote in the book ‘In Love with Someone Else’ by Mira Kirshenbaum: “A cheater is someone who wanders around dazed with an empty wine glass and then meets someone with a bottle of Chardonnay.” Let's establish that first. If you are in a serious relationship with someone you love, you never just cheat. Even if you think everything is peachy with your beloved, it says something that you apparently had room for something else. No one forced you. No one held a knife to your throat. Someone crossed your path and triggered something in you. And you responded to that.

At the moment you truly fall in love with someone else, man oh man, I do not envy you. The chances are high that you won't tell your partner. Because you hope it will just go away. Because you don't want to hurt him. Or because you know it has consequences and you don't want to choose (yet). So you lie or at least conceal something quite, um... significant. And that won't make you feel like a better person. On the contrary, I think I have rarely felt as anxious as when I had an affair. On one hand, I was in a huge high that love brings, and on the other hand, I also felt that I was not doing well. I made up all sorts of stories to make it less bad. That my relationship had even improved because I was trying to compensate for my affair. That it was ridiculous that you couldn't love two people at the same time. And so I convinced myself of everything to avoid having to tell the truth. Every day I lost a bit of faith in myself. Every day I felt lonelier because I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Every day I felt guiltier towards my children because I wasn't fully present.

“A cheater is someone who wanders around dazed with an empty wine glass and then meets someone with a bottle of Chardonnay.”

And then it came out.

Because it always comes out. Sooner or later. It just doesn't work to keep something so important and energy-draining hidden for long. And when an affair comes out, count on getting the full brunt (and maybe you deserve it a little bit). Also read my previous blog** to gain more insight into what it is like for the betrayed partner. But first, let's work on you.

There are a few important things to keep in mind:

* sometimes you need an affair to break free from a relationship

I was in a relationship that hadn't worked for me for a long time, but because we rarely fought, I saw no immediate reason to stop. You always think your partner must at least be a huge jerk for you to have the right to leave him. In hindsight, I see very clearly that I needed that affair to slowly but surely detach myself from that relationship. Especially if you are stuck in a relationship that involves quite a bit, like children, a mortgage, a pet, a business; you name it. Because you might not allow yourself to seriously consider leaving, your subconscious will solve the problem by falling in love with someone else.

* you can now use the energy of infatuation well

Breaking up takes a lot of energy. Leaving someone takes courage. An infatuation can serve as a kind of driving force to make such a big decision. It can pull you through all the misery. So take advantage of it a little.

* you cannot foresee whether your lover is the new man of your life

An affair has a stimulating function in breaking free from a relationship. But whether that affair will lead to a serious relationship is a whole different story. Even if you think you have found the new Mr. Wonderful in your lover, believe me, you really cannot know that now. You have never experienced each other under normal circumstances. You have no idea how the other functions on Saturday morning in the supermarket with two screaming children in the shopping cart. You have probably only shown your good sides. If you have an affair, you are by definition a bit confused. An affair is very polarizing and amplifies both the positive sides (of your lover) and the negative sides (of your partner). You have no overview now, even if you think you do. So give yourself some time. Enjoy the attention, the passionate sex, and the distraction, but don't attach any big things to it yet. (I already know you won't follow this advice, but I'm giving it to you anyway. Later I can shout ‘Told you sooooo!’ in your ear.)

I already know you won't follow this advice, but I'm giving it to you anyway. Later I can shout ‘Told you sooooo!’ in your ear.

* you are not a bad person

You have done things that are not exactly classy. Not because you wanted to be bad, but because you were confused, panicked, and, well, a bit selfish too. Sometimes you need to focus solely on yourself to ultimately create a healthier situation. That doesn't make you a bad person. But: you are responsible. The best thing you can do now is not deny it and not try to make reality prettier than it is. Acknowledge what has happened and see what you can learn from it. Look at where you could have intervened earlier, how you could have done things differently, and what you need to do to come to terms with yourself again.

* make space for the emotions of the other

You will face a lot of anger, pain, and misunderstanding. After my affair came out, some friends dropped me, I was called the most terrible things, I heard the wildest stories about myself, and I barely dared to walk into the supermarket for fear of running into acquaintances. It helps enormously if you accept that this is part of it. Is it pleasant? No. Is it inevitable? Yes.

What helps – if you like a bit of a mystical touch and visualization at least – is if you mentally carry a large basket with you. Every time you get a strong reaction from your ex or from others, you put that reaction in the basket. You then have space for someone else's emotion, you try to change nothing, you just carry the emotion with you. But you don't let them in. And when you're done with it, you put the basket by the road.

I really hope you have gained something from this post. Generally, there is not much understanding for cheaters. And it is not easy for yourself to be a perpetrator. But know that what you are going through now is very human. You are not the first and certainly will not be the last. And maybe that is the greatest reassurance.