Fun & Famous
KIKI'S EXPEDITION ROBINSON-GABBLE
Week 16 (the finale!)
A very good morning, dear Ex Robbies. So, sit back and relax. Today the rambling column comes to an end. For sixteen weeks you could see all my brain farts about this insane program pass by here on Amayzine. About those crazy BN’ers trying to survive on an island. About my very serious crush on Dave, the sewing actions of Dio, about the Hosternokke cap of Bertie, god, what a party it was to write this every week. The enthusiasm grew week by week, the site could increasingly not handle the visitor numbers (!) and your emails with tips became more fun each week. But as with almost everything: all good things come to an end. Also to Expeditie Robinson.
Butttt, I can tell you, it’s a brilliant ending. I’m going to approach it a bit differently this time than usual (first a story and then the points), because what I experienced, oh, you don’t want to know. Or actually, you do. Let me take you to the weirdest night of this year. After work, I went to eat mussels in Amsterdam with Simone. We’re sitting at the table, just holding a glass of bubbles in our hands and then my phone rings. Unknown number. I always answer when an unknown number calls me, because the last time I didn’t answer, an interview with Ashton Kutcher went Paris right past my nose. Just saying.
“Hi Kiki, you’re speaking with Bertie.” My breath catches. Bertie calling me on a Thursday night?
“Heeeee Bertie! How are you?” is the first thing that pops into my head.
B: “What are you doing?”
K: “Uh, I’m in a restaurant, I’m about to have dinner.”
B: “Ah then it might be tricky… I wanted to ask if you would like to come to the recordings of the finale. I’ve discussed it with the makers of the show, because they read your ramblings every week. We thought it would be a fun stunt to invite you last minute.”
K: “Okay, screw the mussels. I’m on my way.”
‘Long story short: we’re running late…’
Simoon looks at me with a surprised face, but when I explain our emergency, she resolutely stands up. We literally haven’t eaten a bite yet. “OH NO, I’m wearing an ugly comfy sweater. I have to go home first,” she screams. I call for a taxi and try to figure out how I can make my eight-hour workday head look somewhat final-worthy. Long story short: we’re late. The taxi drops us off at a completely wrong address, forcing us to walk over two kilometers on high heels through an industrial area in Amsterdam-North while that freaking broadcast starts in ten minutes. Those damn heels hurt, the makeup is already a mess because of the stress sweat, and in the end, I decide to just stop a random guy in a car and ask where he’s going –takes a breath– and if he could PLEASE take us two kilometers away because otherwise we’ll miss something life-important.
Thirty seconds later, Simone and I are in a car with a complete stranger who drops us off at the location. Still ten minutes late, but we can just sneak backstage to grab a spot in the studio. We watch the finale. I can tell you, it’s very different in a studio than on your couch at home. It’s tense until the end. Thomas is the first to go out. We secretly don’t mind at all, Thomas. #Doeidag. Sorry. A battle between Bertie and Dio. It remains faaaacking tense until the end. I see JayJay nervously watching the screen from the front row of the audience. Lex can hardly handle it either. Will it be Bertie or Dio? Bertie is ahead 1-0 by setting her plates on fire. Dio makes it 1-1. Bertie takes the lead again with 2-1. Dio makes it 2-2 again. The decisive round… And then… THE REDEMPTION: BERTIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! A powerful primal roar comes from JayJay (by the way, there’s also room for a confetti cannon and some elephants parading by with horns). The other contestants also look at the Zeeland farmer in admiration. The party kicks off, there’s champagne, and after more than half a year of carrying a big secret, the contestants can finally breathe easy again. God, what a fantastic evening this was. And a cool way to end the column.
Hosternokke Bertie, what are you doing to the Netherlands? First out and then winning the finale. It has never happened in the history of this program. If anyone is the person of 2016, it’s you. Bye-bye Beyoncé, Bertie is the new Queen B. Just a few points then? Goddammit, did someone say Bertie was tall? This article can also say something about that.
1. I don’t know how you all feel, but even ‘the day after’ I would spontaneously wag my tail if I had one. For the FIRST time, my FAVORITE CANDIDATE WINS. HOSTERNOKKEEEEEEEE (last year Amara? Meh, judoka Edith Bosch? Ugh, what an anticlimax that was again. Sorry.).
2. Well, female contestants, the downside of appearing on TV without makeup? You look so dolled up in the studio, just like a bunch of trannies.
3. “And Thomas is doing it without doping this time, that’s super impressive.” (A deep bow and applause for Elle. HAHA.)
4. But Thomas really has a cool new book in which he reveals ‘everything’. And he really enjoys starving himself on national TV, has nothing to do with that book. You know what? Check this out NOW for a sneak peek of the book. Or maybe it’s a twitching funny video of a screaming fish. Go find out, daredevil.
5. Here it comes again, the funniest Twitter joke of the evening. ‘The reunion of Bertie and JayJay on the farm surpasses any All You Need is Love Christmas special ever made!“ #sotrue #expeditierobinson #goals
6. Because, uh, speaking of that, did JayJay just say that Bertie’s pigs are named Gucci and Prada? THAT WOMAN IS BRILLIANT.
7. Oh, and now that I’m on Twitter, have we laughed about Bertie’s bio yet? Here it comes.
– Farmer and hobby DJ. And no, no barn party music!
Again. Bril-liant.
8. But just a moment about those two together, I mean: doesn’t everyone deserve someone who looks at you like JayJay looks at Bertie? That.
9. By the way, did Bertie put together the final challenge herself? It’s about time…
10. Now you probably realize that I’m not talking about Dio and Thomas at all. But hey, it’s just Bertie who deserves the shine. Okay, just one little thing. I was secretly chuckling at Thomas’s fall. Even better than the advertising bird, he flies into the water, sjooooo. You were enjoying it too, right? I knew it. Disaster tourist.
11. Oh, and I now obligate the diehard fans here to watch this Instagram video of Dennis Weening. Filmed on the island, just after Bertie’s win. And how sporty and fun we find Dio <3.
12. Just a shout-out to Pim Scheffer: “I think the Netherlands has never been so united about two things in one week; #Tijn and #Bertie!” Totally agree, Pim! (Oh and Tijn, you know, guys: the nail polish boy from Serious Request…) Can’t we arrange a meeting between those two? I vote for it. Bertie can immediately do something about those agricultural fingers.
13. Expeditie is just like playing cards, you just put the farmer in. STEP ON IT! Seems clear to me.
P.S: oh and, if you completely missed this last night. We had the SCOOP and got to speak to Bertie first after the win. Everything recorded in this crazy video and we speak ZEELAND at the end, so much fun!
P.P.S: makers of the program. Maybe a good idea to invite a writer next year? Someone who really engages with the program and stuff? Someone from Amayzine or something? I’ll make sure to get those goooooood quotes in those confession boxes. Just saying.
P.P.P.S: I think people who do P.P.P.S. are just really super annoying. Send them to a deserted island for a month #okédoei.
