Happy & Healthy
MANY YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE IT, NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT
anxiety & panic attacks
Well, I love talking about heels, traveling, new series, penises, and God knows what other nonsense, but today it's time for something serious: panic attacks. I've been dealing with them for two years now and it's downright awful. And since I've learned ‘playfully’ that many young people of this generation struggle with this: this is for you. For us.
I thought for quite a while about whether I wanted to put this on paper. Somewhere out of shame, somewhere because I feel it’s nobody's business. It took me some time, but I now accept myself as I am, with all my quirks and oddities. And since you read my pieces daily, it might be fair to play open cards today. About this whole ‘glamour life’ as a lifestyle journalist. About this whole ‘building a career at a young age’. The parties. The freebies. The press trips. The incredibly beautiful opportunities. And the flip side of the coin.
Is this going to be a very depressing post? Not at all, girlfriends. But I do hope that those who read this and recognize themselves in it might learn something from it. We live in a time of ‘oversharing’. So much is expected of this generation. And we all create that bubble together, you know. Addicted to our phones. Addicted to filters/likes/creating perfect little worlds. Do you find it crazy that many of us suffer from anxiety disorders, depression, and burnout?
And then it came: a disgustingly warm wave of total panic, from my toes to the tip of my head…
Let’s go back to my very first encounter with Mrs. Panic two years ago. I had just done an interview with Yolanthe for Nu.nl at the V&D in Leiden. I was sitting outside on the terrace at La Place, typing the piece like a madman. The interview went well, my vibe was good, but suddenly my sandwich didn’t taste good anymore. My throat started to close up. I got dizzy. And then it came: a disgustingly warm wave of total panic, from my toes to the tip of my head. I thought I was going to throw up. I was about to faint. In fact: that I was dying. Believe me, you don’t want that at such a moment. I let a colleague finish the article, my baby. Under the pretense of ‘feeling a bit sick‘, my sister quickly drove me back to Utrecht. While I already felt that this was different from all the other times I had felt ’unwell‘.
The next morning I went straight to the doctor. I must have had a life-threatening illness or at least something along those lines. I felt like someone had drugged me, like a blanket of vagueness was lightly draped over my brain. It had to be a tumor, couldn’t be anything else. “Kiki, don’t worry, you’re experiencing panic attacks, many young people your age have this,” the doctor said to me with a friendly look. “A panic attack? But I didn’t feel panicky at that moment!” I shot back. I had to hear from the doctor that I had experienced too much ‘positive stress’. It exists, yes. Doing too many fun/cool/exciting things combined with high work pressure and deadlines. You can become a bit crazy from that for a while.
‘I started avoiding situations where I thought I would panic. It was terror.’
In the months that followed, panic attacks and hyperventilation began to take over my life, slowing me down. On the train, on the plane (and then you get fear of flying) and in the supermarket. I developed a fear of ‘fear’. And that in turn led to avoiding situations where I thought I would panic. I started avoiding busy places, my world became a lot smaller. It was terror. But now (many breathing exercises later) I can feel a panic attack coming on and usually suppress it. I have (partially) regained control over my life and that is the best feeling ever, I can tell you.
The lesson I’ve learned? Not listening to your body is the worst punishment you can inflict on yourself. Be a little kind to yourself. Say no more often. Do you completely relate to this message and are you also struggling with these complaints? Then keep an eye on the site tomorrow, girlfriend, because I have a shitload of tips for you.
