Fun & Famous
NOT FOR THE CAT
by Maddy Stolk
They lie there like a beached whale, stuck in an exhaust pipe, and are startled by their own shadow. The wonderful world of the worldwide web is full of it. Photos and videos of cats in compromising positions. And they are by far the most viewed online – more than internet porn. Let that sink in.
Cats: you love them or you hate them – even if you love them. I have a red-haired specimen myself, because someone once told me that red tomcats are so nice and calm.
Five years later, I am still not done laughing.
Jimmy, the furry monster that is El Jefe at our home, quickly got the name Jimbo. Because he ran straight up walls like a miniature Rambo, pulling himself up by one cat paw on the gutter and disappearing from the third floor to the roof. There he took over the regime of the reigning alpha cat within two days, after a 48-hour standoff accompanied by so much hissing and growling that I didn't even dare to go look. From that moment on, he ruled the neighborhood and all its inhabitants, including those of the human kind. In a rare moment of calm, I grabbed him by the scruff and put an address tag around his neck, which resulted in me getting at least one phone call a week from a distant neighbor, informing me that Jimmy was lounging on their couch as if he had lived there for years and that their own cat was cowering in fear behind the washing machine. I went to a few addresses with a bottle of apology wine in one hand and the cat travel carrier in the other. He stayed home for one night, took a pee, ate his bowl empty, and slipped out again. ‘Just like a real man,‘ said the somewhat grumpy neighbor lady at whose place he regularly pees in the laundry basket, but who always lets him back in. And gives him a cat treat, because consistent behavior must be rewarded.
“Just like a real man.”
My love for Jimmy runs deep, but at least once a week I consider tossing him over the balcony. Usually around 5:30 in the morning. That time when you, once awake, definitely can't fall back asleep, but know for sure that you'll be wrecked the whole day. This is his favorite moment to jump from a standstill next to my bed, with a ninja-like leap right onto my head.
Joe! Morning Has Broken, Brand New Day, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go and whatnot. And this is definitely going to be a bad day. Keeping him outside to prevent this terror is not an option: Jimmy has a perseverance that Daphne Schippers could only aspire to. Tirelessly, he stands in front of my closed door all night, scratching furiously, meowing as if the end of times has come, and won't budge until I, thoroughly beaten down, open the door. After which he – faster than I – dives into my bed and lies exactly where I just was, purring contentedly and falling asleep within two seconds. Life is good when you're a cat.
But I don't do it. Tossing him over the balcony. Because when I'm shivering with fever, with stringy hair above the toilet bowl, he sits next to me and watches with interest what I'm doing. And when I'm lying under the covers wishing this day would just pass quickly, he cuddles up next to me. He is, in short, always there at the right moment. No questions asked.
My neighbor had a point. Just like a real man.
