Dank God dat het vrijdag is
BUFFI DUBERMAN
When an awkward silence falls during a birthday visit, it’s always a good idea to tap into the barrel of British blunders. Like my oh so proper (think rotary, hockey, and a sloping lawn) aunt who asked the child of her husband’s English business partner: “And what is your best vak (sounds like f*ck) at school?” Or my mother who, also to a foreign colleague, explained how it came to be that our Pointer dog had such special spots. “They fuck them like that.”
To avoid such embarrassing situations and to help us with the English language, there is Buffi Duberman. The most fun and coolest (she also coaches singers from major Dutch bands) teacher you can imagine. Although I hope she doesn’t make our people too good, because there has to be something to laugh about.
Buffi. Your book is out. Those are the best TGIF moments, I think. What’s in the glass on Friday at five o’clock and what are you toasting to?
‘On Friday at five o’clock, there’s usually still tea/water/remaining green smoothie in my glass, because I’m still teaching at an MBO in Rotterdam and then I have to drive home. But when I get home, my husband is usually waiting in the driveway with a glass of wine. And this really happens. So I love the red wine Que Mas. It’s embarrassingly cheap, but I don’t want anything else. I always try to make it sound a bit more sexy and sophisticated by calling it Kate Moss. So then my husband greets me with: ‘Here’s your Kate Moss.‘ Or I call him from the car and say: “Get Kate Moss ready.” And then we toast to life. Life is such a great gift and I feel happy that I have a new day every day. And when I’m not teaching, I’m probably somewhere having a gin and tonic and telling a dirty joke.“
Your book is called ‘100 Ways to Save Your Ass in English’. Who should buy this book? I guess definitely a number of football coaches abroad, but who else?
‘I’ve been waiting a long time for a call from Louis. Maybe he has a bit more time now, haha. My book is actually for anyone who wants (or needs) an English boost. It contains everything I know about presentations, idioms, grammar, pronunciation, and things you definitely shouldn’t say in English (unless you want to sound like your dear mother, May). This week I received an email from someone who speaks English at a high level every day and she said that my book gave her so many eye-openers about business English. But I also got an email from a speaker at a slightly lower level, who told me that my book gave him the confidence he needed and that he laughed really hard at my book. So I think that means it’s for everyone.‘
”My book is actually for anyone who wants (or needs) an English boost”
What will it bring me?
‘You will understand more about the cleverness and nuances of business English and find out why many English people often find Dutch people blunt and (sometimes) aggressive. You will learn about different forms of formality, so you can tailor your message to the situation. To give an example: many people use ‘can’ when ‘could’ or ‘would’ is often much more appropriate. You will learn how to deliver bad news stylishly, what to do ‘when the shit hits the fan’ (that’s actually the title of the chapter, it explains what to do when things go wrong during a business trip) and how to easily get through your next presentation or negotiations. Oh, and how to change or cancel an appointment without stepping on anyone’s toes. Also handy!’
You are on a mission and work in a very personal way. You are not just an English teacher, you are also a life coach. Why do you work this way?
‘Because I left a safe, well-paid job with the nuns in Vught to chase my dreams (which is exactly what I do today). I created the entire industry of ‘Personal English Coaching’ myself. When I came up with the concept, based on my love for grammar (yes, I’m a grammar nerd) combined with my crazy sense of humor and creativity, everyone laughed at me. Hopefully, they are laughing with me now, because I love what I do. I do it with love for all those lovely people. And hey, if they don’t laugh with me, f*ck them. Life is too short to dwell on haters. People who call me know that I will be honest, make them work hard, work just as hard with them, and that we will laugh a lot. And every session ends with a hug, because hugs are great.’
Ah, come on. One more. What is the most common mistake made by us dumb Dutch people that makes your stomach turn? I always feel a bit awkward when people ask ‘Can you make a picture?’ It’s TAKE a picture, ‘make’ means you’re going into the darkroom. But you probably have a few more that you can rattle off.
‘How much time do you have? Here are a few that I’ve heard myself. Don’t shoot the messenger…’
· ‘I’m coming at home later’ = I’m going to have an orgasm when I get home.
· ‘My boss is the longest one in the office’. Now we know how she got the job…
· ‘Santa Claus came on my son’s class today. I had to stay and clean up afterwards but I took some nice pictures first’. Okay, I just don’t know where to start.
· ‘He’s an excellent cock. His wife is a great cock too, they should start a restaurant together!’
And a client ended the course with: ‘Oh, Buffi, thank you so much. I like working with you. Sometimes when I think of you I look at your picture and then I feel myself at home’. (I felt so dirty when he said this) Or just this – a message from a student: ‘Thank you Buffi for the fun lessons. You learned me so much.’
”One soy cappuccino gets me halfway to where I want to go, the second takes me to heaven and I stay there all day”
What I find difficult is that you can find some expressions in English too, but often it’s total nonsense once you translate it. Do you have a tip for that or is it better to avoid those expressions?
‘Avoid them. Don’t say ‘Hey, it comes for the baker’, unless you want to completely confuse someone. Use sites like www.dictionary.com and www.urbandictionary.com to expand your vocabulary and learn new words without the translation.’
Back to the order; that weekend of yours. Tell me everything. What does Saturday look like?.
‘In the morning I go for a run or to the gym. Then a green smoothie. Then two soy cappuccinos. One soy cappuccino gets me halfway to where I want to go, the second takes me to heaven and I stay there all day. I work every Saturday at the emergency refugee camp that accommodates 500 refugees. It opened in September and since then I’ve been volunteering there for about 8 hours every week. I teach Dutch and English and talk and hug and make tea. I listen a lot, but I learn even more that way. I’m back home around dinner time and then I usually make a (vegetarian) Mexican meal, which we are all quite addicted to. Then more wine. Sometimes I go out into the city, but I prefer to curl up on the couch with my kids (in my velour The Kelly Family pants) after a long and busy week. I work almost every evening, so I don’t see them as often as I would like. I start Sunday with yoga, then another green smoothie and then again two soy cappuccinos. After that, I usually bake a (vegan) cake and work the rest of the day in my ’woman cave‘: I write my newsletter (have you signed up yet?), grade exams, prepare for the coming week, and so on. On Sunday evening I try to relax with Netflix.’
Which newspapers do you read and what’s on Spotify?
‘I read the New York Times, The Huffington Post online, Nu.nl, Telegraaf, LINDAnieuws; a bit of everything really. But I especially love the political pieces from The Huffington Post. Dump the Trump, yo. On Spotify, I have a Buffi’s favorites playlist, a Buffi’s new favorites playlist, and a Buffi’s another favorites playlist. I love everything: from Public Enemy to Bowie to Kendrick Lamar to Squeeze and The Cure. I often listen to one of my playlists when I’m running. And when I’m in the shower.’
”By the way, I think Ted Baker is a really nice brand – I love his bold use of color and materials”
Is there still some shopping going on and if so, where, what, and how much?
‘I shop all the time in my head. And then I go into a store and forget why I walked in there. By the way, I think Ted Baker is a really nice brand – I love his bold use of color and materials. I’m in love with my purple LaDress jumpsuit. By the way, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a jumpsuit that I didn’t like. And I find it very hard to walk past shoe stores that have incredibly beautiful boots. Unless that store is next to a bag store. I love accessories. I don’t have a lot of clothes myself, but I have baskets full of scarves and way too many funky necklaces and boots. I always want to feel comfortable and if I could live in yoga clothes, I would probably do that right away. I wrote my three books in yoga clothes and strangely enough, I write my best pieces when I’m not wearing a bra. But hey, my clients are worth dressing up for.’
Which restaurants are still on your must-visit list?
‘De Kas in Amsterdam and Vork en Mes have also been on my list for a long time. I recently went to eat at Vork en Mes and it was really delicious, so now it’s on my must-return list. I would also like to go to a completely vegan restaurant. And if someone wants to take me out for sushi at Okura, then I won’t say no. Just so you know.’
Your ideal Saturday night, what does it look like?
‘Then I would set up a huge table where my whole family from Europe and America, my friends from the refugee camp, my smart and sexy girlfriends, a few amazing students, and special clients could sit. Then I would cook a meal that would blow everyone away and then we would drink until we’re drunk, only to dance on the tables afterwards, because suddenly Beyoncé and Kendrick Lamar show up and join in the party. Then we would end the evening in the morning with a toast to world peace, because all wars would have ended that day and everyone would just love each other. That’s my ultimate Saturday night, but I would be open to that every night of the week. I would completely adapt to Beyoncé’s schedule.’
”I always start with yoga and I try to stay in my yoga clothes all day”
And Sunday, does it look different than Saturday?
‘Yes, I write a lot then. And grade exams. I always start with yoga and I try to stay in my yoga clothes all day. Lately, I also enjoy going for a long walk. Last week my husband and I spontaneously went for a walk – we walked 10 kilometers and then went somewhere for breakfast. I’m sure we’ll do that again. If I don’t have much to write and the weather is bad outside, I usually watch a movie with my kids. Usually something with dinosaurs/aliens/superheroes for my son and then a romcom with my daughter. And I enjoy both equally.’
Suppose time difference, jet lag, and money don’t matter. What would your ideal weekend look like?
‘I would take everyone I love to a place where they need love and help. Then we would all help those people create a better life for them. How f*cking amazing would it be if I could take all my friends and family and say to them: “We’re flying to Syria to stop the war. We’re going to Greece to build tents. We’re going to Africa to build schools”? Let’s go! I’m sure my friends and family would find that fantastic. If I ever win the lottery, this will happen. Nothing lying by the pool with a cocktail. It can’t get any more boring. Get off that chair and change the world. And take some Kate Moss with you.’
Finally, the work week, when does it start again?
‘Monday morning at 9 o’clock I drive to the Rock Academy and teach them everything about the English language, songwriting, social media, and life. And a little note to those who find Monday terrible: Mondays are not terrible. Your job is terrible. Mondays are fantastic if you do what you love!’
