Fun & Famous

AND THEN NOW: THE ALTERNATIVE OSCAR AWARD SHOW

It’s obviously very superficial to talk about other people’s appearance. But let’s not call each other out on it; secretly everyone is interested in what’s been worn on the red carpet. And since plenty of time and effort are put into the appearance, I’ve decided to do the same thing as last year and hand out my own awards. Here they are.

The Top-To-Toe-Perfection-Award

This one goes to Cate Blanchett, my ultimate favorite, in a work of art made by Armani Privé. I’ve come across plenty of sites that said they weren’t necessarily too fond of the amount of applications on the dress, but I love them. The dress fits her perfectly, her slim figure has never looked better and the color perfectly matches her skin tone. And then I haven’t even gotten stared on her insane Tiffany & Co jewelry that accentuates her neckline and makes the dress even more elegant than it already is. I am in love with this look.

The Time-For-A-New-Sponsor-Award

Yes, this one is for Jennifer Lawrence. She always wears Dior to big events so no surprise here. But you know what, I’m never that impressed. This dress too is just a mere meh. A little too much goth, too much sheer, hardly any support for her boobs, everything is just all a little off. Even her makeup, her hair and the subtle jewelry make me doze off. I don’t know, Dior and Jennifer, not really my cup of tea.

The This-Isn’t-Fun-For-Anyone-Award

Kate Kate Kate, what went wrong last night. Mrs. Winslet wore some type of shimmery strapless bag, made out of a fabric you could easily buy at Target. Ralph Lauren’s hands were the ones that sew this piece together and I think he forgot that red carpets consist of a lot of camera flashes which made her dress light up like some sort of Christmas tree. The dress is long, very unflattering and my god, that shimmer and shine is atrocious.

The Prada-Can-Do-It-Award

It doesn’t occur often that I actually like a Prada look on the red carpet. I always find them to be very unsexy, too conceptual for my taste and I don’t know, it just doesn’t work. Buttttt then there was Emily Blunt, pregnant, in Prada, and I love it. Baby pink with shiny silver colored applicants all over, pretty straps on her shoulders and a small train in the back. 10 champagne glasses I tell ya.

The My-God-Please-Come-Up-With-Something-New-Award

Oooh Sofia Vergara, you are so stunning, but so unbelievably boring when it comes to looks. It’s literally the same thing every damn time: ten tight figure hugging strapless dress with cleavage. Beautiful? Yes, definitely. Boring? Absolutely. Never change a winning team is what you would say, but I’m starting to find it all monotonous.

The I-Can’t-Believe-What-I’m-Seeing-But-It-Doesn’t-Surprise-Me-Either-Award

Heidi Klum is the master when it comes to pulling out all the stops on the red carpet. It works well during her infamous Halloween parties, but it’s a mindset she seems to stick to for all events. Yesterday’s Oscars included. A lilac purple thing covered in flowers and cutouts and long poofy sleeves and then another flower on her train – and all of it is made out of tule. Seriously, does she not own a mirror? Does she get dressed in the dark? Nobody knows.

The Misguided-Clutch-Award

Margot Robbie’s gold Tom Ford dress was a little too long, but other than that it was drop dead gorgeous. I’m just a little confused when it comes to that black clutch. Such a shame. This could have easily been one of my favorite looks, but because of that black thing I can only think of one person who would love it: Stephan Hawking; because if his love for black holes.

The How-About-No-Award

Kerry Washington. We need to talk. I’m a huge fan of yours because of your role in Scandal, but this has got to be a joke. Are you a gladiator? Or are you the virgin Mary in a white skirt? And what about those crazy pumps? And that odd little tuft on top of your head? Taking risks is fun (are you paying attention, Sofie Vergara?) but please consult a stylist first. One that’s got taste. Thank you. And never do this again.