12 YEARS UNBOXING
I learned this
“Here, take it. Welcome present.” We are writing 2004 and I have been working at the Beau Monde editorial office for exactly four hours when I get my first goodie. A Mason Pierson brush with a retail value of a sloppy 100 euros. It turns out to be the kick-off to a life where unboxing becomes a daily task. Every day I find some box on my desk waiting to be unpacked. And when I return from a week's holiday, I find a hedge of boxes. An incredibly nice fringe benefit indeed, although I can tell you that not every package is a boon. I am now going to take you through my lessons learned.
Bigger is not always better
Indeed, a very large box often rings my alarm bells. Especially if it is large and light. That combination is extremely dangerous. Usually, the box in question is a balloon. I repeat: a balloon. In other words, the familiar dead sparrow. With a bit of bad luck, it will fly into the ceiling (which in our case is quite high) and with even more bad luck, it will fly in front of the alarm sensor at night and you will have to get out of bed at five o'clock because you suspect burglars but only hit the twisted balloon.
Big is dangerous
The very worst story of my career. I borrowed for the final of Holland's Next Top Model three dresses from a very cool designer label that I won't mention for fear of evoking unpleasant memories. They came in a cardboard box in which I could do a triple somersault with a splits, it was that big. It also contained a real bar from which the dresses hung and at the bottom of the box was a pair of boots that went with the look. Real model boots (too big at the foot, too narrow at the calf), so I didn't try them on and decided to keep them in the box. After all, that's where I would return the dresses so then it was all nice and orderly. So I thought. Until, the day after the broadcast, I wanted to neatly hang the dresses back and found no The Box anywhere. And no box = no boots either. So some type in a rare mood of industriousness (you should come into the back garden here for fun, I can tell you: clearing large boxes out of the way is apparently a lot more appealing to people than emptying the plate on which the cigarette butts are expressed) had cleared those out of the way. And who, for the sake of convenience, had not checked to see if there was anything left in there by chance.
I repeat: a balloon. In other words, the famous dead sparrow
Weight is also a thing
You should know that real prestige brands do not communicate on the packaging that they are the sender. If you see Gucci or Prada very large on a box, it might become too attractive for deliverymen or pawnbrokers not to open the box. By now, we are so dyed-in-the-wool that we can already tell who the generous giver is from the barcode that serves as a stamp. “Something from Vuitton has been delivered for you. And also something from Dior.” The Chanel delivery is also always received with bated breath. “May, there is a big package from Chanel!” Jet could shout excitedly through the phone. Followed by a “Come to the office FAST because I can't hold it any longer.” My standard question was whether the box was heavy. A little heavy is good (because fine beauty products or maybe a bag), too heavy again less so because that often means a book and of course we are also very happy with Chanel's books, but yes but yes but yes. What would you say if you had to choose between a book and a bag? Well then.
Confetti
Tip for when you send something to an editor and hope they will do something with your product. Avoid, dodge and systematically ignore confetti and anything close to it. Worst of all are those jagged, cardboard strips that litter the entire floor. Then there must be a really nice present in the box to compensate for spending 15 minutes sweeping. But to be honest, I've never experienced a box of cardboard strips containing a really nice item. Alas.
Layer over layer
I once had a huge, oblong box on my desk. With a bow and everything on it. Inside the box was a smaller box, wrapped with foil paper. Inside it was another packet with a parcel. It was potted a designer matryoshka. I grew greedier and more eager by the sconde. What it finally contained? A card, folks. A card. Not even a discount card. Guys.
If you think I am the most spoilt person in the universe, I understand. Just to end on a positive note, these are the packages that do make me happy.
Confetti in a bag
If you do want to go wild with confetti, collect it in a transparent bag and stick it on whatever you want to send. No mess and looks much nicer.
Easy
Make sure the box opens easily. If I have nearly punctured myself an arterial bleed because I am struggling through seven layers of duct tape with the scissors, the fun is already almost gone. Think of the recipient; they have little time. Don't hate me. It's just the way it is.
Personal
A handwritten card, a nice sticker from the company that is the sender; make sure the recipient is happy with what you send. You took the trouble to put it in a box and send it. So finish it off properly.
Pay postage
It also happens to us at least once a week that I get PostNL on my roof because someone else sent something to us but didn't stick enough stamps. And oh woe when it's the one from that cardboard corrugated junk, then something will wave.
