4 signs that your relationship is in danger

A little quarrel or irritation from time to time seems very healthy to me, although I must say that I am in the fortunate circumstance that they usually only occur once a month and are therefore completely up to me. But I see couples around me where I have to work very hard to imagine that they must have liked each other at some point.

John Gottman is a professor of psychology (and author of the book ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’) and has identified four phases where the alarm bells should start ringing. Is everything not going so smoothly? Then see if this sounds familiar to you.

1. Criticism

He is late and didn't call. Instead of asking if he had a great time or was maybe very busy or perhaps had a dead phone, you go off. He never calls. You are not important enough. He doesn't take you into account. I understand you, but if you want him to give you a steamy night and call nicely next time, this is not the strategy.

2. Defensiveness

In other words: it's not your fault. No introspection, not thinking about how your behavior might come across to him or affect the situation.

3. Contempt

“But you just had to go to the football again.” And then roll your eyes. Or the other way around if he despises that you just had to drink wine with your friends again. Or, also a good one, that the kids always come first for you. Or your work.

4. Stonewalling

You might prevent something from escalating (although I have serious doubts), but you deprive both of you of any possibility of resolving the conflict.

 
Do you check ‘yes’ on three out of four points? Then I would consider therapy. Or buy that book by Professor Gottman. And from just hanging out together and having ‘a good conversation with Mother Nature’, few couples have become worse. Go for it!