LET'S TALK ABOUT THE SCHIPHOL TUNNEL

It was a small fire. It would only cause some problems during the evening rush hour. Well, that was certainly the biggest utopia that Rijkswaterstaat recently threw into the world. Because of that small fire in a tiny escape route, seventy cables were destroyed, the cameras went black, and the oxygen supply is minimal, as the ventilation no longer ventilates. Yes, I'm talking about the Schiphol Tunnel.

It is now Wednesday morning and I'm typing at home, because after almost forty-eight hours, only two pathetic lanes are open. Two. On the first evening, Lil and I just made a party out of it. The sun was shining, a little Franskaatje joined us, a little Franskaatje and we plopped down in the sun on the terrace at our neighbors'. I got a linguine with truffle in front of me (mamma mia, so delicious), accompanied by a glass of white wine. Well, you won't hear this commuter anymore. At eight o'clock, we jumped into the car (it was just one glass in three hours) and headed home within the usual timezone (but via Utrecht roads). But when the NOS app starts blaring the day after at half past four, you just want to cry for a moment. And yell at that beeping tunnel. Yes, you want that.

‘Holy guacamole, what are all those orange dots doing on the screen on the road by my Flitsmeister?’

A partner in crime makes life a bit lighter and more fun. That's why Lil and I called each other about thirty times last night between half past six and nine. Just to deeply sigh and loudly, that too. From your toes with a booming sound. And to tell each other what junk we had just bought at the gas station. Not me of course, because I was on the line and therefore I took pathetic bites of a so-called healthy cookie while only thinking about a Mars Ice Cream. To then start the lament again and loudly exclaim that THIS CAN'T BE?! I wasn't alone, because in the car in front of me, next to me, and behind me, I saw similar open mouths and desperate little piles of people with a steering wheel in their hands. Well, in those twenty calling minutes, we had already cleared a whole merging lane. Phew, you make progress.

And when you have to deal with a defective Schiphol Tunnel, you think (within a time frame of forty-eight hours) something like this:

1. Oh, it can't be that bad. I'll just join the line and then I'll be vroemvroem home half an hour later than normal.
2. Holy guacamole, what are all those orange dots doing on the screen on the road by my Flitsmeister? It's an infarction, a traffic infarction.
3. Who else on the editorial team has to go through that f-ing tunnel? Maybe they can be tempted with the terrace at Jefferson.
4. Yes, HOEZEEEE, they can be tempted. Off to the sun.
5. (three hours and thirty-two minutes later)
6. HOME. Will it be back to normal tomorrow? No, that can't be?
7. How amazing is it that the entire Dutch infrastructure collapses because of one little tunnel? Very amazing indeed.
8. Strange word actually, Schiphol Tunnel. Schip-hol-tun-nel, Schiphol Tunnel, Schiphol Tunnel.
9. Tomorrow everything will be better, open and flowing, but just to be safe, I'll leave at a quarter past six. I want to move.
10. (Opens eyes and a random news app) What? Not enough material? Are they completely out of their minds with your not enough material. Pfff. Not. Enough. Material.
11. Tonight I'm driving straight down the A4. So, hop, home.
12. What, still closed? How do I tell this to Lil? She's going to cry. Hard too.
13. One moment, let me cancel a hundred thousand appointments. “Yeah, I'm stuck with that tunnel.”
14. I need to gather food AND water AND blankets AND refuel. This is never going to get home, gone wrong.
15. (Opens a random traffic app) 70 MINUTES DELAY ON YOUR ALTERNATIVE ROUTE.
16. This is the worst alternative on earth. An alternative should be solution-oriented.
17. Maybe we should just go back to the linguine at the neighbors. With a glass of white wine.
18. I want to go home-home (in the most dramatic and whiny tone ever).
19. You know what we do, Lil? We just get in line, we'll be home five minutes earlier. Cool, that's us. Let’s do this. Traffic, I can handle you.
20. (Drives two meters in twenty minutes) Lil, why was this a good idea again? Stupid, we are extraordinarily stupid.
21. My left leg is tingling a bit weird. Just a moment on the handbrake. Phew, it feels a bit numb too.
22. My next car will be an automatic, for sure. Shifting gears is so 2017.
23. YEHEESSS, I'm driving ninety. (Calls Lilian) “I’m driving NINETY, I’m really going very fast now. Or not. No, I’m back to thirty. Just kidding.”
24. Who can I call now? And could I claim my phone costs from Rijkswaterstaat? I think that's more than fair.
25. (Opens news app) ‘Tomorrow probably two lanes open.’.
26. Ha, thanks a lot. Don't kid me, I'm working from home.
27. ‘Tuduuduup, this is the news at half past ten. Despite the partially closed Schiphol Tunnel, there was almost no traffic jam this morning.’ Are you kidding me?
28. I'm going anyway, I'm getting in the car now.
29. But what if there is something tonight? No, I'm not doing it.
30. Really, never knew I could be so obsessed with a tube of concrete.